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Dear Diary (Pt. 1)

Self Talk

Dear Diary,

I don't think I have done this since I was the same age as the sixth and seventh-grade students I now teach. I'm all grown up now, I'm 24. I've graduated college, got my bachelor's degree, and I have my own apartment. I've lived here since July and my life seems to go up and down.

Some days I love my job, and I love being here, other times everything my job entails overwhelms me to the point where all I can do is sit on my couch or lay on the floor in a deep, dark, and lonely depression. This depression looks like me sitting in front of my laptop looking for ways to help with loneliness, what's wrong with me, and jobs that are closer to home. I take quizzes that tell me if I should move back home, if I should quit my job, and/or if I need an emotional support animal.

However, the next day I have to go back to work. I have 36 students who are counting on me to show up in the morning and teach them Social Studies, and then five students who need me to be their Special Education teacher in the afternoon. Then when all that is done, I have a head One Act/Speech coach who is counting on me to go to practice and be her assistant coach. My schedule is pretty crazy, sometimes I don’t get to go home until 8:00 o'clock at night. I seriously have a love-hate relationship with this job and this schedule. Sometimes, I want to just drive and not turn around, other times, I’m excited to go into work. I’m starting to think that it’s just the long drag that happens right before Christmas Break.

Even though it is getting close to Christmas, and my middle school students are starting to become just as tired and as unmotivated as I am at times, I'm pushing through. I'm pushing through all of the stress, all of the grading, and all of the pain of living alone. I'm pushing through the tears that eventually fall every single time my boyfriend of eight years has to go back home, which is four hours away. The sadness I feel is overwhelming, it takes over me and I can't get anything done.

Today, I was able to force myself to get out of the house and go to a school event right after he left, then go grade papers, put those grades into PowerSchool, and even get things ready for my Secret Santa. However, I still broke when I got home to the now empty apartment. Instead of going to Dollar General right away, I had to take myself for a drive and let the tears fall down my cheeks.

That's when he called, and he talked with me for a very long time. A pep talk, if you will, and I needed it. I needed to hear that I was overthinking it, that I need to socialize more, that I was stressing myself out, and that I need to call my doctor. The pain is still there, especially as I am writing this. However, I got all of my dishes washed, I made a blueberry bread (which gives me easy breakfast for about a week or so), I got my lunch ready, and I have my laundry in the dryer.

Unfortunately, I may not get to folding the laundry tonight, but there is always tomorrow. Right now, I'm writing this to try and vent, make myself feel better, and maybe someone else who's reading this. I'm getting better, I'm learning to be okay by myself, now if you will excuse me, I have a Christmas tree to decorate.


Miss J

Read next: Awakening
Miss. J
Miss. J

I'm a college student from small town Nebraska. My major is Elementary Education with an endorsement in k-6 special education. I'm a bit of a nerd too, but really I'm just a 23 year old who's trying to figure out this thing called "LIFE" :) 

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Dear Diary (Pt. 1)
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