Dear Me

Dear Me,

I know right now feels like hell. I know pretty much all the time feels like hell. I know that you're in pain; you're in so much pain that you are willing to die just to make it stop. I know that you're constantly choking down a sea of tears, because God forbid you let anyone else see the storm that dwells inside. I also know that sometimes will seem that the war isn't worth it anymore, because all you ever win are scars and more pain, and the monsters you fight against will win everything; your dignity, your energy, your time, your will to live.

I know you want to lose, but you can't. You can't lose this war because, for a long time, you weren't fighting alone. Mommy helped you way more than you deserved. While your energy and life were being stolen, you took her's and you have yet to give it back. She fought the battles that were too scary for you and came back victorious. Mommy was the sanctuary you asked for while you went running with your tail between your legs. She gave up everything to teach you how to fight. Did she do this all in vain? Probably. You're a lost cause. That's what you think, isn't it? No, it's what the monsters want you to think. You need to make mommy proud for once in your life and defeat them, show her that she taught you well, show her you could be strong just like her, show her you could do more that just cry. Out of everyone in the world, you cant leave her the drained, you are not that selfish. I hope you aren't.

If that somehow doesn't make you want to keep on fighting, look to your angel. Some days he's the reason why you wear a smile on your face, the reason why you open your eyes in the morning. You will walk across flames for him on any day. His smile and hopeful eyes are everything good in this messed up world. His future is brighter than the morning sun. You could see it. Most days, it seems that it might be even brighter if you weren't in it, but it isn't. If you leave, he is going to think it's okay to stop fighting when the battle field gets too much. Yes, we could agree that he is in wonderful hands with or without you, but why would you want to miss the amazing things he's going to do in life? You know he's going to do amazing things because he's only five years old and has already done such amazing, life-changing things. You look at him right now and tell me you could leave him, because if that's the case, you go ahead and take the blade and shove it deep into those veins and swallow the pills in your hand, because you do not deserve to be in the same world as him if it's that's easy to leave a saint behind.

Dear Me, I know you want to die. I know you are ready to lose. I know you want to disappear, but dear me, you are a warrior. You are a dreamer. You are a dancer. You will make this war look like a beautiful ballet. Dear Me, I know this letter is contradicting, but you don't have to think so much. Dear Me, you are not fighting alone. You have God on one side, and Mommy on the other. This is the best defense you will ever have. Dear Me, please don't stop fighting.

Love,

You