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Dear Social Anxiety

A message to social anxiety.

Dear social anxiety,

You don’t understand. I’m ALL alone. You make me feel I am not worthy enough, you break me down so much that I start to isolate myself from the rest of the crowd. I hide. Because I simply feel like I look weird, or I’ll say the wrong thing. I’m so afraid of the opinions of others that I don’t put myself in a place to get criticized. I walk with my head down, not wanting to make eye contact with people. I leave events early, so I can go home, and feel safe. I get nervous when doing little things. Why? Why am I so worried about what others say and feel about me? This is a disease. A disease that NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE should have to live with. I just want to find a cure. I feel alone and scared, scared to be left behind. Why must I feel this way? Haven’t I suffered enough? There are so many people who want to be there for me. I can see in their faces, but somehow I tell myself that people don’t care about me. Sometimes, I feel like I will never change. I feel like I’m going to be in this empty spot forever. An empty spot in a huge world like termites to humans. I feel dead inside, because I want something more than this life. I want happiness. I want to be loved. I want a cure. I NEED a cure. Why can’t you leave me alone? Why can’t you let me be happy? Why do you constantly make me feel like a small spec of nothing? NOTHING. I’m so used to being judged the moment somebody lays their eyes on me. “She’s a bitch,” “I don’t like her.”

Sometimes I just want to be alone.

But I also don’t want to be alone

I want someone to hold me, and tell me everything's going to be okay…

but am I even worthy of that?

Am I worthy of love?

Will I ever find happiness?

Will I ever have confidence?

Will I ever find peace?

How pathetic I must be to hope for something I have never seen. How can I wish for something I might never have, like a paralyzed girl hoping to walk again.

Or a bird with broken wings, hoping to fly.

How will I ever lift myself up? My social anxiety is turning into something else. I am an emotional wreck.

What is happening to me? Why can’t I just be happy for a change? I don’t want to be the person who brings everyone down, or makes people feel uncomfortable. I can’t help it.

I can’t deal with this anymore. You are ruining me. You are making me a loner, and you have succeeded in making me feel alone and unworthy. I am so disappointed in myself and ashamed. I am better than this.

I am better than you… I can thrive without you, and I will thrive without you.

you are only a twisted mind game

You are pathetic, and you are not worth taking up any more of my life. You will not get the best of me. You will not make me depressed any longer. And you will not drive me away from the people who want to be close to me. I will be done with you. I do not need you.

I was confident enough to talk to anyone. So why now? You bring me down, and you make me weak. And I’m gonna make a change. You had an amazing run, but I am not gonna be weakened by you any longer.

-A

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