Dear Younger Self: You're Not Alone and That's Okay

Years upon years ago, I felt the world was too big for me. A part of me even felt I wasn't meant to be a part of it. Years ago I also suffered more from depression than I do now. This is a story of mine you've read a multitude of times when it comes to me, but you would also know that I'm about awareness for depression, suicide awareness, and even autism. You would also know that I am one that supports the idea of how to include these kinds of people into society, hobbies I share, but also helping others like myself push through anything that may be holding them back from continuing on with life.

Much as you would expect, I struggled with self-harming. My wrists, my ankles, and my thighs looked like a chefs cutting board at the end of his shift. My depression, even now, had moments when it was crippling, but I was taught that grown men couldn't be weak by society. That it was wrong for us to reach out and cry for help when we needed it. For me, my peace was hidden inside the fact that my music, games, writing, and art would eventually be the safest and easiest outlets I would ever find.

Starting out with coping is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. You'll be running most of your life from the pain inside, a feeling you won't ever understand, and the very one that will hold you down. You'll feel you don't deserve to be loved due to the pain inside, but that's okay. It'll be hard at first to overcome the pain, the hurt, and the anguish inside. Just remember to breath when things get tough, to let it out with your pencil, your pen, and to those whom you trust. It's a difficult world we live in and one that I fought with much of my life into adulthood, but thankfully I have friends that make today the day I don't have to fall apart or one I have to be afraid of.

This is something that many will never understand and will grow up without as their depression takes over. There will still be moments when the hurt inside becomes unbearable and getting out of bed will be the hardest thing to do, but inside, everyone hurts to some degree. The thing they don't do is manage to stand up so that they may move on and get where they need to go in order to carry on. It's hard to understand why many never get back up, something that can be done when there's a reason given to do so.

Your life is a musical masterpiece that you created.

One of the best things in life that's given to us is the music that helps us endure the world around us. Much of the life we live will be played out by the songs we love. If you look at your phone, there's always that one playlist that will be played. If you had a cassette player, there was always that one side that would have to be rewound every night before bed. In the moments when it hits the hardest, there's always those few songs that help make the pain go away, and help the tears fall when they need to.

Sadly, you may be alone for a larger portion of it, and even in crowds those headphones will still be the best friend you ever wished to have around you. In your 31, going on 32 years, life has been a rather enjoyable list of music that hasn't changed in much of your life, and will continue to play with every day. It's your happiness, it's the thing you enjoy, and it's the thing that helps keep you grounded even on the more troublesome days. However, just remember, you aren't alone in the struggles, and there are others that will suffer like you.

You'll feel like the pain is always there.

Even with the music playing, the pain will be hard to endure at times. You will experience loss. You will experience love. You will lose people in your life that mattered most to you. You will make mistakes and blame yourself, but don't do that. Just remember at the worst moments, it will feel like it's always there and has been all this time. Trust is, it's not, and it's something you'd have to fight through as the depression, hurt, and anger all set in at once. Just fight through it and remember, the pain isn't always there, and it can be overcome with patience as well as time.

Finding outlets will be key to coping, they will be key to living your life, but so will be opening up to those around you. While that is the hardest thing you'll ever do, it's a part of who you are, and it's a part of what you will be as you mature. Just don't be scared of the emotions you feel. There will be some good ones, some great ones, and always keep that feeling close to you as those will be what guides you through your darkest moments.

As Brandon Lee once said: "It can't rain all the time."

One of the hardest and most important things to remember? It can't rain all the time. There's always something brighter waiting further down the road for you. It's just a matter of fighting through what's holding you back and allowing yourself to move forward. After all, your life. It's your story. The one you will write for others to remember you by no matter how good or how bad it is. It's the one that is meant for you to have, it is meant for you to mold to your want.

So remember, lift up your chin, brush off your knees, wipe off the tears, and straighten up those lips of yours into a smile. It gets better. It just takes a bit more time than you ever thought it would. Even as you get older, you'll need to remember that, and to keep pushing forth from what is holding you down.

And most importantly:

Don't be scared to reach out. Fear is what will hold you down because one day, you won't be broken anymore.

If you are suffering from depression or a disorder, please seek help. Talk to your parents or a trusted adult.

For confidential crisis counseling, you can always contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and suicidepreventionlifeline.org

If you cut or self-harm, you can get support and referrals by calling the S.A.F.E. Alternatives information line in the U.S. at (800) 366-8288.

Outside of the U.S. please visit www.befrienders.org