Define: Normal

What does normal truly mean? It is a question I have contemplated for the majority of my life. Relating to someone else's "normal" is our greatest challenge. Our normalcy is a compilation of our environment, influences, and level of control we experience. Not one person will have the same normal as another. An underlining discomfort surrounds sharing our personal lives and what we learn from them. Why does it feel as if exposing my normal is like unveiling a cold case file?

Should you have asked me what normal life consisted of as a child I would utter one word, abusive. My father's words were above the law and if not followed there would be hell to pay. You could not so much as walk into a room without asking permission. Groceries weren't a priority of the bread winner and neither was paying bills. Normal was going to sleep hungry. My father was always screaming and my mother was trying to protect us. Barricading my door before bed to make sure he couldn't enter. Normal for me at that time was constant fear.

Exposing my normal has proven to be a controversial ordeal. Frequently the nonchalant attitude I portray while unhinging leads people to question the authenticity of the tale. In my experience recounting while deadpan is far better received than a hysterical mess. There is a quote by Charles Addams that has sat with me thus far, "Normal is an illusion. Normal to the spider, is chaos to the fly". Would the spider find vocalizing about his normal challenging or would the fly have more difficulty empathizing with the spider? Our "normal" depicts what our perspective is capable of coping with. My childhood was by no means traditional but that does not mean it was not normal.

Truthfully I am not always unemotional when reflecting on the trauma. There are a moment's when I, the spider, see what chaos had been present. The trauma presents itself as flashbacks that can lead to anxiety attacks, insomnia, and night terrors. For the longest time I endured these attacks alone. Perhaps it was the stigma surrounding "daddy-issues" that prevented me from reaching out. The most difficult part of coping with your reality is dealing with the denial that it is even yours. Nevertheless the traumas of my past are not the truths of my present. Reaching out and being more vocal about my experiences pushed me out of myself and onto a path of healing.

The person I am is a manifestation of every normal I have experienced in this lifetime. I am a concoction of every stage of life and lesson learned. The traumatic "normal" formed a strong independent woman who understands that love means more than being feared into it. The normal of working at a lingerie shop as my first job in high school lead me to impeccable customer service and openness to sexuality. Dropping out of secondary school to pursue a full time job in support of my family instilled a strong albeit ludicrous sense of responsibility. Moving 500km away to start over at 18 taught me that who I am isn't restrained by where I am. The culmination of these experiences instilled the greatest empowerment in terms of coping, the knowledge that the normal I have is completely mine to create.

Life is all an experience. The past has created a set of challenges very personal to my tale. It all comes down to experimenting with sharing and learning to cope. Moving forward I hope to reign in on all that my normal has taught me and somehow give it back to the world. Please do not be discouraged by the normal you have, it is uniquely yours to explore and change. It is incredibly easy to dismiss the amount of control you have when caught up in the matters you can not control. Rest assured though experiences are personal, it does not mean that all flies cannot understand chaos. Be solid in your individual path, reach out even when it scares you, and own your normal.