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My youngest daughter wrote this and asked me to post it.
I'm terrified of questions. I'm terrified of being asked questions. I hate being asked questions and having to come up with a fake answer just so I won't be bothered. I want to do good. I want to be able to say that I'm a good person. I want to be able to say that I'm proud of who I am. I want to say I'm happy and be telling the truth.
Happiness doesn't last. Happiness is just a reminder that soon it'll be over. Soon I won't be happy anymore. I know this is true because every time I'm happy and I think that, it comes true. I'm no longer happy. I'm tired of wasting my time. I'm tired of going to bed and laying there with my eyes closed waiting. Waiting for sleep to come to bed so I can rest. Some nights it never comes, some mornings it doesn't want to leave. I depend on relaxing to let my body rest. My mind is exhausted and that's why I don't focus much. It's not a disorder. It isn't an illness or disease. It's fatigue. Fatigue is a thing that traps the mind and encloses it in a case full of demons. Demons who break into your heart and make you numb. I don't feel love as easily because I'm numb. The demons manipulate the mind to follow the heart and then they pull out the numbing gel. They numb the heart to send the mind into a panic. The mind fights against the demons, trying to win so that you can live. It may lose a few battles but it's fighting to win the war. The mind won't allow you to lose. This war breaks you down and that's what causes fatigue to worsen. It worsens into a state that makes you more tired after every night. Every time you fall asleep your mind keeps fighting and it pulls you into a state of exhaustion. You wake up so tired and you brush it off as "I just didn't sleep well." No. You slept well. It's just your mind fighting to keep you safe. To help push back the thoughts your demons are making. To help get you through your day so you can sleep, and your mind can focus on the demons.
We push this off as we attempt to live normally. To appeal the ever gazing eyes of the public. To make the world believe you when you say, "I'm fine. I'm just tired." We hold on to the little feeling in our heart and we treasure it. But everyone has a bit of greed. And we beg for more. We beg for more love and when it isn't there, we panic. You can ask about the cuts on our arms. We'll only tell you what we know. We won't give an excuse. Because when someone asks us, "What happened? Are you ok?" We treasure it. We treasure your curious mind. Because you dared to ask. You dared to care. You looked for the signs and when you found all you needed you proved you were looking. And we thank you. We may be stubborn, we may break down, or we may act oblivious. But don't get mad at us. Take that as more proof that we're hurting. Take that as our mind protecting us from the harsh reality. If our pain is real, we will become difficult to handle. We will react negatively. If it's true pain, once we're done explaining, we'll need you to be there. We'll need you to help us. Even if we tell you to go away, push to be with us. We'll break. We need to be talked to. Because talking about our pain silences the demons. Even for a minute. If we talk it out and you react with a warm hug, a gentle kiss, or even a few words that mean you understand, the numbing gel will wear off. You have to be someone we trust, though. Someone we're close with.
If you're wondering who "we" are, there are many names for us.
The depressed, the emotionally unstable, the hurt. We prefer to be recognized as normal, though. So please, the next time you come across someone, say hi. Show them that they exist. You never know when you'll find one who thought they were invisible.