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Depression

The Inner Thoughts of an Individual Going Through Depression

By Marisa FerreiraPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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What can I say? All you feel is emptiness. You want to feel, you try so hard to feel something other than emptiness, but you can’t. You try to do things that used to make you happy, but all you feel is nothing. Are you a person or just a walking corpse? Neither, you don’t know what you are, you don’t even know who you are. On the outside, you act and look how you think you should just so people consider you to be normal. You don’t want to speak to anyone about your problems. You just want to be alone. But loneliness makes you feel worse. But you also feel more comfortable alone. Why are we programmed to be social creatures? Technology. You don’t want to use your phone. You go days on end with your phone uncharged. You lose friends because of it. But then again, you lose friends just like a tree loses leaves during autumn. Why's that? You do things you think will make others happy, you go to university and get your degree, you get a job, you get married, you start a family, but what if that doesn’t make you happy? What then? You become a social outcast, the black sheep, selfish, idiotic, a low life. You become unimportant.

Then what’s wrong with me? Why is mental health such a taboo topic? Maybe our minds rule it as a myth because we don’t understand it. Maybe we are so ignorant to the fact that we have become so selfish only caring about ourselves. How should you feel? You don’t even know yourself. Everywhere you look is just a reminder of how depression has taken over you and your life. This isn’t you, this is depression and what it does. You look around and see a dirty room with clean and dirty clothes all mixed together on the floor. You see an unmade bed that hasn’t been changed in over a month, an unvacuumed carpet covered in white fluff and dark spots. This isn’t you, the real you wouldn’t let it get to this stage, but then again, you’re not you anymore, you are now what the depression created.

You cry because you’re scared, because you see that the person you were disappearing before your very eyes. The person you used to like. Yet there hasn’t been a moment in your life where you genuinely liked yourself? So why ARE you crying? Maybe because you knew that if your childhood was different, if you were treated differently, then you would have liked yourself. At least one thing. You wouldn’t be this... this thing. You’re crying right now just think about the what ifs, but that’s not going to change anything. Maybe you should have been a better daughter, a better sister, someone they could have been proud of, but instead, you’re just you. That’s not good enough.

Suicide won’t stop the pain. It only drifts it to someone else. This is one of the reasons why you keep going because you want to think you can get through anything, like this is just a phase in life… a very long phase in life... which you have been dealing with for years… You realize that you have stopped living life. You just try to survive another day, just waiting for something, but you don’t know what. You can’t help but to be afraid of what it might be.

You are good for a while, you laugh, you talk, you eat, but then something happens. Just like a turn of a switch, you are left with darkness in mind. The more you think, the deeper it gets, the more scared you get. You can’t breathe, you feel sick, like you are trapped, screaming for help, but all you ever see around you are confused faces just walking by, not understanding the struggles you face day to day.

You try your hardest not to upset people because you don’t want them to feel anywhere near what you have felt for so long, but somehow you always seem to screw up. It’s all your fault, you do this to yourself. Why do you have to care? But if I stop caring, then I will lose the only part of me that is left. No one cares about you, but for some strange reason you always care about everyone else. So, ask yourself? Was the depression someone else’s fault or your own? Did you create this monster inside you? The one you can’t control? The one who creates the “mood swings,” the “change in character,” the “moodiness,” the “back chatting?” Or was it someone else who created all that you are and see today?

You don’t know. But I will tell you what you know, you allowed depression to win.

You ARE depression.

depression
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