Depression

I saw a few different therapists throughout my life. First, for the childhood trauma that I suffered, and the nightmares it caused—with no positive results. The next was after my daughter was killed, and again, no results. I saw another counselor after my youngest two girls were removed from my custody, same results. Frustration had set in. I lost faith that I would ever find the help I truly needed. My depression was so bad that it debilitated me, left me unable to work, so I applied for disability. In the application process, I was asked to receive a mental health evaluation, which led me to search for yet another counselor. This one would prove to be my savior! He gave me the tools I needed to be capable of managing my depression on my own. Not only to manage it, but to recognize when it is setting in. So, I am going to pass this knowledge on to you, with the hopes that it helps you as well.

Now, don't think of this as the same thing as a 12-step program, this is definitely not like that! One of the first things my former counselor had me do was to discover my "happy place." A memory of a person, place or thing that made me feel safe and loved. I needed to close my eyes and completely focus all of my thoughts and senses on this. For me, my safe place is a childhood memory of working in a garden with my Grandma. She always made me feel loved and was one of the very few people to ever make me feel safe. I had to feel the sun on my face, the wind on my skin and the earth beneath my bare legs and hands. This particular memory took place on a warm summer day and I could hear the birds chirping in the trees, hear the trees rustle with the breeze, and the soothing sound of my grandmas breath as she pulled weeds from the vegetables. I could smell the grass, and the ripe, red strawberries.

Once I could recall my happy place at will, we proceeded to trauma therapy, recalling my earliest traumatic memory and, with the help of my happy place, working through each trauma until the memories no longer consumed me. It was a lot of work, it took a full year of work to get through most, but not all, of the trauma. Halfway through my therapy, I decided it was time to change the way I thought about myself. I was tired of having next to no self esteem. In those days, I spent most of my time reading posts on Facebook and I kept seeing "Thankful" posts (it was November and everyone was doing an "I'm thankful" challenge). I decided to tweak the challenge that everyone was doing to adjust my way of thinking.

Beginning on January 1st, I challenged myself to come up with one thing every day, for a full year, that I liked about myself. It didn't matter if I had a few repeats, as long as I came up with something every day. Some of them were based on my looks, most on my personality. But I came up with one thing every day for 365 days. Some days I struggled, but I kept up with it and at the end of the year, I was no longer putting myself down, degrading myself and beating myself up over ever little thing. So, if you have self esteem issues, I would say, definitely give it a try. I used Facebook to aid me in my journey to thought change. I made a post every day. Not only did it help me keep track of where I was, but it also gave me something to look back on when I am having a rough time.

So, not only did I discover my "safe place/happy place" and challenge myself to change my thought processes, I also learned to recognize the signs of when my depression was setting in. I know the signs are different for everyone, but for me, it begins with negative thoughts and mood swings. Then comes dissociating, or zoning out; not being aware of my surroundings for short periods of time. This is scariest when it happens while driving! Then there is wanting to hide away from people. When my depression is setting in, I just want to be alone, away from everyone and every thing. And finally, the utter lack of energy. All I want to do is sleep. Sometimes it is hard to figure out if the lack of energy is from my depression or my borderline anemia, so when that happens, I look for the other signs and symptoms of my depression. If it is my depression then I take the final step I need to take to regain control.

This last time that my depression began to set in (this past September), it took me a little bit to figure out that it was my depression. I was tired ALL THE TIME! I began taking vitamins, thinking it was my iron levels. When that didn't help, I began looking within myself for the other symptoms. When it dawned on me that my thoughts were becoming negative and I was beginning to get testy, I realized that it was coming back. I knew I had to do something about it, and fast. After speaking with my husband, we agreed that the best step I could take would be to take some time away from working and focus on myself for a little while. I miss working, however, I miss having a peaceful mind more.

So, while everyone is different, and the depression that you suffer is different than mine, I hope that these tools that I was given will help you to cope with your depression. And I hope, if you suffer from poor self esteem, that you will at least consider taking up my challenge. It helped me more than I can ever say! May you find peace and healing! Keep fighting and remember, we all have something/someone worth fighting for!