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For about seven years now I’ve been dealing with depression. Some days are better than others. It is very difficult at times to handle my depression, because I want to be able to control my feelings, and I know at times I can’t.
What happens when you feel like you have lost all control? What happens when you feel like there is not a reason to be here anymore? What do you do? It is hard to sometimes answer those questions when you really feel like you do not know the answers.
There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed. There are days when I don’t want to eat. There are days when I just lose all hope in everything. I never thought that depression would have such a big affect on my life, but it did. I can say that over the last seven years things are going a little better. I don’t think I will ever be the same, but I’m ok with that. I know that in my bad days I have to try to focus on what is good in my life right now. It is hard sometimes to see positive things when you feel so low and down. It is hard to want to get up and make the best of your day when all you see is darkness.
What happens when you are lost, and can’t find yourself? What happens when you want to give in and give up? There are so many choices that we have, and it is up to us, or up to you as a person to decide which way you want to go. Life will bring on many challenges and curve balls, but how we handle it will determine the outcome. I’ve never been able to just sit back, and give in on anything. When I do feel overwhelmed it does make it hard to want to give up, but you have to keep pushing. I’m not perfect and I don’t want to ever be perfect, but I want to be the best that I can be. My depression will not take over my life. It may cause me to have some pretty bad days, but I can not allow it to destroy me. I refuse to let it take me down. I will not go down without fighting.
I have had days where I kept my feelings inside till the point that all I do is sit in bed and cry my eyes out. Depression can have me so far gone that it's hard to deal with my feelings and emotions. When these feelings come, I sometimes don’t understand them. I never thought I would actually have moments when getting out of bed was something I wanted to do. I never thought taking a shower would be something I wouldn’t want to do. I’ve been that low before, and let me say, it sucks a lot. For me seven years is a long time to deal with something. It is hard to see things getting better, because its been so long, but as I sit and really think about where I was three or four years ago, I’ve really come a long way. I’m doing so much better, and I know I still have work to do to get to the safe place I want to be. This depression will not be who I am, but it will just be apart of my story that I can tell people. My depression today took a huge dip for the worse, but I am still able to be happy that in the end I was able to find a way to handle it in a positive way.