Psyche logo

Depression

What it really does.

By Cheyenne McbeePublished 5 years ago 4 min read
Like

Let's not hold back here. Depression is completely shattering. It shatters relationships, families; LIVES. I cannot begin to tell you how many times my depression had shattered good things I loved having in my life. And you know what happens after all those good things are gone? More depression. More over thinking. More just 'wanting to die' and 'I can't do this anymore'. And it feels no matter what you do, depression is right around the corner waiting patiently for your unsettling appearance, just to wear you down a thousand times more.

Some people just do not understand the depth of depression. So let me just break this down the best way I can. One day, everything is amazing. You had an outstanding day at work. The house is clean so you just kick back, relax, and enjoy them all. The next? You should know.

The next day, you wake up a little off. But you push that aside. You brush your hair, brush them pearly whites, and head out for your day. That's IF you're not stuck where you are, and if you are stuck... I am so sorry.

This day you clock into work. One of your friendly co-workers is acting a little off. Your boss won't look you in the eyes and someone got snippy with you only 15 minutes into the work day. That's fine. Push it off.

You work. You do your duties, (whatever they may be) but that whole time, You're trying to figure out why that one coworker isn't being friendly. Why your boss won't look you in the eyes. Why did someone already get snippy? Look at the clock. It's only been 10 minutes. So now, you're thinking of how much you don't want to be there. How much you'd rather be home sleeping or just being lazy.

This whole time you're over thinking. You're dying a little on this inside. You literally feel it in your chest. But why stop now? Now work's a mess. Someone forgot this, and someone forgot that. Somehow it comes back to you in ways you feel is unfair. In ways that make you hate doing what you signed up for.

That's not it. That's never just it. Everything keeps happening one after another. Nothing good. You drop one thing and just explode inside. Now you're raging. Now, depression has started and you're just buckling in for the ride. Look at the clock. Only two hours in. But don't pace yourself just yet, depression is going to make all of this feel way worse than what it really is.

You're slugging through the day. You're not smiling. You're just patiently waiting for the day to be over. Mentally, you've been drained for the day and you're just not sure how much more of it you can take.

The day goes on, but by now, depression has slowed you. Look at the clock. Only four hours in. "God dammit." We're not done yet. You feel a bit more stressed than two hours ago. Someone has screwed what you were supposed to pick up on, and now it is your job to fix it. "This is why I hate this place."

By hour six, you're ready to be done. But depression has only just begun. Your boss says one constructive sentence that depression then turns into a jab, an insult instead. And of course, you take it to the heart. You're just that deep. You snap.

Inside, you've bottled everything from the beginning to this moment. And without hesitation, without skipping one beat; you quit. You give up. You walk out of this job feeling better than before. But do you think that has stopped depression from following you all the way home?

You're home now. Your pets greet you with hugs and kisses, five piles of piss, and three piles of shit. "No biggie" but as you do it, depression reminds you that it is one of the worst things you have ever imagined.

Now you're in your happy place, angry again. Angry that there are dishes in the sink and dirty clothes that never found their way to the laundry basket. Angry that you're the one counted on for all of these tasks. But you're home now. So you let it rip. You take it all out on whoever is in your way. Whether it be a girlfriend or boyfriend, husband or wife, your depression doesn't discriminate, neither should you. You lose it. It's their fault for the day that has consumed you in the worst way possible. You blame them for everything wrong lately, and now you wanna leave. So you leave.

You go to a friend's, mom or dad's house. You spill it all out and they comfort you the best way they possibly can. And in that instance, you feel better. You feel a little more empowered than you were. So then you sleep. You deserved this rest.

When you wake up, you'll be confused. You'll question why you didn't calm yourself down yesterday. You'll realize what you really just did and you may not even have a home to go to. You quit your job, went home, and let hell break loose. Just so you could wake up and realize how stupid and irrelevant those decisions were, but there's nothing you can do now.

And then, depression comes.

depression
Like

About the Creator

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.