Depression

It's not cowardly. It doesn't make you a horrible person for experiencing it. It does not make you weak. In fact, having depression and battling it as strong as you are makes you a fighter. A warrior. A magician. Cause to play with the alchemy of management to the disarray that exists in your mind is some real magic. Just making it out of bed some days when it feels like your whole world is caving in, and you can't stop the tears from coming, and you're sure this is the spell that's going to take you is fucking magic.

When all you want to do is reach out, but you can only mouth the words, "I'm fine" to even your closest comrades, it still doesn't make you weak. To battle one of the oldest battles of time cannot make you weak. It means you were handed a journey of growth. Intrusive thoughts can be redirected if you learn to surrender to them. Resist and you will find yourself in distress. I know far too well first hand that in those moments they can't be controlled, or helped. But over time they can be reshaped. There can be hope if you just believe enough.

Sometimes the first step is to just reach out. To not deny your existence or your battle anymore. There is no shame to be where you are or feeling what you're feeling. Everyone has experienced something in their life that has made them curl up in such emotional turmoil that it is their own karma to judge anyone going through things. I know far too well the throws that drive you past the brink. As I write this, I sit in a place of being far too gone, wondering when will you be granted the grace to be brought back to a fraction of sanity. I know what it feels like to call your friend crying begging to make it just stop and go away. To have to promise that you'll fight another day. To wish you had the heart to break the people's that you love, just to end your own suffering.

But you can't. There has to be a reason you're here. Those words I've uttered countless time and time again to make it through the 3 AM wake-ups. There is. Every time you pull yourself up and stand up out of that bed when you just want to sleep all day is a victory. Every time you shower when you gave up, is a victory. Do those dishes, you'll feel the victories pile up.

Leaving this world is not the answer. The hardest battles are the ones you face alone, and they are also the most beautiful, once you accept how you can transform things maybe not for yourselves, but for others. There is still such a stigma to speak about it openly that I write this from a place in my heart to show you that sometimes if you don't care what others think, you can help just one person.

That is a reason to be here.

I write this to you, the ones struggling to believe nobody cares. I write this for the ones searching for the words to express themselves. I write this for the ones who are searching for any reason to hold on. You are not weak. You are a survivor. A soldier. A warrior. Hold strong my lovelies.