Depression

The price of neglect.

Life is no fun if you can't play.

We sometimes take for granted the ease with which we do things…

While out for a walk with my partner, we ran into some old friends. Chatting it up and catching up is usually a nice thing to do but sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes, you lie like cut grass.

This was one of those times.

When asked how we were, of course, we said the usual “things are OK”, “I’m/we’re doing fine”. And that is mostly true in our case. We’re like anyone. It’s no bed of roses but we have finally have a stable roof over our heads, food on the table (most days), we’re not cat scratch and bawling at each other, so it's OK. Sometimes, it’s even fun and happy!

To one of those friends, I happened to say I was home a lot, and so I am. Their response to that was “sweet, that’s the good life”.

Therein lies the secret life as it were… I am home a lot but not by choice.

The fact of the matter is, I am a caregiver. For my spouse, and he’s not having a great time right now. He hasn’t been for many years. He has Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. He takes medications but that doesn’t make it all better. He moved here to our current region, like I did, to seek the medical help we could not get in our home region. But the wait list is long and unless a person is in dire straits (ready to cut their own wrists on the steps on Confederation Building in front of whatever Governmental Official may be around - I bless we never see that day), it is often a year or longer before they can receive counselling under the public service as it currently stands. With the many cuts to our Provincial Budget, that wait list, has only gotten a whole lot longer. Our own wait time was just over a year. It would have been much longer I’m told if not for my persistent emails, letters and calls to local MP’s/anyone in a Government position, medical professionals and pleas on our Open Line radio shows. It took that and much more to get both of us the mental health help we were both in need of by this time as my own mental health had also deteriorated as a result of and during the wait for help for my partner. All too often this is the case and this too, most often goes unrecognized, unaided and becomes nothing but a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. Until then, in the words of our Family Doctor “just hold it together” is the mantra of far too many.

I also have my own disability, thanks to several degenerative diseases. I’ve endured many, many setbacks on my own life journey. Yet in many ways I have been lucky in that I have found that there is always find a way to get around whatever it is that has held me down or back and I push on because you need to. Life is no fun if you can’t play. Such is often the life of a person with a physical disability. I am ever so glad I was born with a spine of titanium long before they installed one for real. Being a stubborn pain in the ass, I am convinced is the only thing that has gotten me this far.

My own day to day routine is built around planning how to do things because of the way I have to approach tasks that others find so easy. It takes me a lot longer to do things, even simple things like hanging out clothes on the line. A lot longer.

The effects of my partner's illnesses generally leave him unable to help me with most of those things for one reason or another. There are days I have to convince him it’s a good idea to eat or even get out of bed. Doing housework, looking after a dog and errands… often fall by the wayside because helping him cope is my priority. There is no help under our current medical system for any of this, unless you have major bucks in your pocket, which of course we don’t. There is no room in his depression for my disability or my own needs and as a result, my own disability is rapidly getting more difficult to navigate as well.

Depression is a vile, wretched beast. Voraciously and relentlessly, it consumes every single thing around it. It can make the person who has it immensely hard to love. And yet, can you think of anyone who would be in need of that love more than a person who has likely lost all hope? A person who is quite likely sees themselves as devoid of anything good or lovable?

I can’t tell you how often I feel like a complete hypocrite for having to spend hours at a time convincing my other half that his brain is lying to him, that it’ll be OK. That one of those many phone calls I make on his behalf will eventually fall upon the ears of someone who understands the way the system works and will help him climb out of the crevasse he seems to have landed in.

I cannot possibly tell you how lonely we both feel, each of us trying to deal with all of this in our own way till viable help is found. Even now that we both are finally seeing counsellors, the process is still very much a solitary process.

Every problem has a solution. Ours has yet to be found but I never give up on the hope or the search for it, although some days are more trying than others! I don’t always have the patience I’d like to and speak harsher than I mean to the people I love and adore. I wish I could spend more time with all of them because I miss them, but right now, I have a job to do that takes every ounce of my energy.

I pray for the day when our government sees what not funding our Health System has done. What neglecting our people looks like on the ground floor. The black hole they have created for so many. I pray that no one else ever has to go through what we do in this house every day. But they will, as we will, until the day that we can no longer.

Until then…If I could ask one thing, though… mind yourself and those around you. Fight for those who can’t fight for themselves. Be a voice, an advocate for those who have none. Be kind to those around you, you never know what that kindness can do or bring to another person’s day. Mind your words, they can hurt more than you know. Be good to yourself. Others will see your light, will be attracted to it and may even provide the lifeline they to need to carry on. We all need to be loved and none of us should go thru this life alone or in pain.

Share this post as well, please. If you think this post may help others to feel like they are not alone and that there is help, even when they cannot see it themselves, share. If you think it may help someone to feel loved and you do not have the words to say it, share. Our struggle is not private nor are we embarrassed by it any longer. We only get thru this together. All of us, together.