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I’m suffocating. I can’t breathe. My feelings are shutting down. I’m obliviously numb to any sort of feeling or emotion. I don’t want to talk to anyone, don’t want to hang out with friends; everything that I love, everything that I have fun doing, does not bring happiness into my life; it’s as I’m drowning and no one is helping, they are just watching me fall to the bottom.
Depression is not black and white, one thing or another. It’s more complex than that. It’s moments of crying, feeling like shit, feeling worthless and alone, despite people telling you that you’re a good person. It’s trying to silence the voices within your head with music and video games. It’s forcing a smile, pretending to be happy when inside, you’re so sad that there are times you wish you wouldn’t wake up the next day; let me tell you, that’s the worst feeling in the world. I really hate when my head goes to places like that.
What most people don’t understand about mental illness is it’s a real illness. It’s not “just in your head.” It’s more complex than that. It’s your mind running a million miles a minute, it’s replaying memories, mostly bad ones in your head like you are living it for the first time. It’s trying to be happy and no matter how hard you try, you just end up sad.
Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Millions of people suffer from it on a daily basis. Let me tell you, it’s hell living with the thoughts in your head on a daily basis. Most days, not all, I’m completely fine. My head is clear. I can function as if I didn’t have depression. I’m happy and I love life; others, even those dark days, my head tends to go to some really dark places. It feels like I’m not myself, as if I’m a darker, sinister shell of the person I am; the worst of these things, is when the thoughts of suicide come up, my brain giving me lectures on how everyone would be so much better without me; that’s the only time I truly get scared for what goes on in my head, especially when I’m off medication.
Some people are able to manage their depression, allowing them to live normal lives, hold jobs, etc. Then, there are others who depression has such a tight life-sucking grip on, that they cannot function. They are afraid of leaving the house, they are afraid of going to a party and being the person who ruins the fun because they are depressed. Sometimes, myself included, they think people they cross in the street know they have depression and silently judge them for it. It’s a horrible feeling to have at times. It makes you feel like less of a person; you know something is wrong with you, and a part of you feels bad for it. Let me tell you, you have nothing to feel bad about. You’re not alone in the slightest; you’re not the only person in the world that suffers from depression, there are support groups and forums for people who live their lives under a cloud of grey, who try and attempt to be happy but there’s an invisible wall of doubt hanging in front of them.
Luckily, there is help. There are various medications on the market that help with the debilitating disease known as depression. Our brains have a short circuit, and the medication gives that short circuit enough power to function. Depression is not cured overnight, sometimes therapy and coping mechanisms are needed to live a function and fulfilling life. This does not make you a bad person having depression, it just means you need help sometimes and that’s okay.