Depression Days

The past few days I have been battling with severe depression. I’ve been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety but I am on medication for it. Even on the medicine I still have days that I just don’t even want to get out of bed. The past few days have been that way. Living in a box is the only thing I felt like doing.

Being a mom and dealing with depression is beyond HARD. You have to be attentive and there. There is so much stuff you have to do as a mother that you don’t have time to be depressed. I didn’t want to get out of bed but I have a two year old that I have to keep my eyes on 24/7 or she will get into everything. So I get up and I try to do my morning routine but all I wanted to do was cry. It was hard but I did everything I could to push through it.

There was no reason I could think of for me to be upset or sad... but I was. I was mad at the world and I wanted nothing more than to sleep for a week straight! However, I managed to do the things I needed to but when it came to changing clothes, taking a shower or putting on makeup, it wasn’t happening. I sat on the couch and I didn’t want to move. I hated myself for not playing with her like I should’ve but I just couldn’t do it...

I felt broken, alone and just wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there. The only meal I ate was dinner and that was just so my husband didn’t know how I was feeling. He has so much on him right now I didn’t want to burden him with how I felt too. When he’s going to work and going to school as soon as he gets home from his full time job... I just couldn’t put that on him too. I felt guilty for even being sad in the first place because there was no reason for it and I felt like I was letting my family down because I wasn’t doing as much as I should’ve. I felt like I was being the worst wife and mother and that just made my depression worse!

I hated the way I felt and I had no idea how to fix it. I did everything I could think of to shake it off and it never worked... So I tried to get up and go out but when I tried I started feeling sick to my stomach just thinking about being around people. I let my parents come over and play with my daughter so that she would have someone to play with but I still felt bad because it wasn’t me. What kind of mother throws her children off on her parents just because she’s sad. How can I get through this?! I need to be the mother and wife I’m supposed to be. I tried so hard.

Of course I had people I could text and vent to but when you feel like that you don’t really want to see or speak to anyone and the thought of it almost gives you a panic attack. I knew it would eventually end but I needed it to be NOW! I wanted it right now and not a second later!

Today I finally started getting better and I’m happier about things but some days are just so hard. It’s okay to have those days. Some days are going to be hard and that’s OKAY. You can make it through it just like I did and you can too.

I have battled this demon called depression for YEARS... actually as long as I can remember... I didn’t have the regular life that most people had and I think that’s part of it but I promise that if you try hard and just fight through it, you will be okay. It may take a day, may take three, maybe even take a week. Either way you will make it through and you will be okay, just like me. Don’t do anything you’ll regret and hold on as long as you can. Much love!