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Depression Doesn't Have to be Postpartum!

I was depressed before the baby too...

By Jessa MaePublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Yes, I just recently had a baby. Yes, I’m depressed as fuck. No, I DO NOT have postpartum depression. Postpartum Depression is depression suffered by a mother following childbirth, typically arising from the combination of hormonal changes, psychological adjustment to motherhood, and fatigue. I’m already a mother, so there’s not much of a psychological adjustment needed there, and sure I’m tired and fatigued, but I was more tired and fatigued before the baby was born due to a pregnancy induced liver disease (Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy, or ICP for short) that made me constantly itch all over my body. I actually sleep better now that the baby is born. Oh yes, the hormones are plenty, but they aren’t all bad. Oxytocin isn’t bad. The hormones are not making me depressed either, although I blame those for the waterworks that occur during sappy commercials and the sentimental sadness I experience when I think about my babies growing up on me.

When a woman is depressed shortly after giving birth, she is automatically assumed to have postpartum depression. This is a problem because I, as well as many other women, I imagine, do not seek help for depression because of this very thing. It is insulting, but not because there is anything to be ashamed of IF you do have postpartum depression. I REPEAT FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, HAVING POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF! However, being told you have something, when you know that isn’t the case IS insulting. That’s like brushing off the fact that I was depressed before the baby was born. Before I even got pregnant. Before I was even of childbearing age! In this instance, why is postpartum depression the go to instead of just regular old depression? I’ll even take seasonal depression! That seems to fit my symptoms anyway; my mood definitely declines significantly in the winter, and oh look, my last baby was born just as winter was approaching. Having a baby was just a coincidence; it’s the season that’s affecting me! I was diagnosed with major depression shortly before getting pregnant (also in the winter).

I had actually attempted suicide last February, over a year after having my last baby, and about a month before conceiving this one. I was kept in a psychiatric hospital for about a week to monitor my symptoms, start my medication and come up with a plan to hopefully prevent another attempt. Given the circumstances and my symptoms, I whole-heartedly agreed and still agree with my diagnosis. Having a baby shouldn’t change that diagnosis. I want to go get help, but I do not want my struggles to be misunderstood or blamed on my innocent child or the hormones running wild through my body. But the hopelessness, worthlessness, dark, drowning, not good enough feeling fog has everything to do with my basic brain and NOT my postpartum life. Depression is my default, not something that was suddenly turned on after my c-section. In fact, I’d probably be more depressed if I didn’t just have a baby, since he’s brought me nothing but joy since he was born.

I really hope that I do not offend anyone who truly does suffer from having postpartum depression. You are worthy of getting help and I know it’s incredibly difficult. Please take this time to recover mentally and physically and do what is best for you and your precious baby. But we are different people, with different, equally important struggles, and I want to be treated for mine, just as much as I hope you are treated for yours.

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