Depression Is My Lifestyle

I've had depression my whole life and only noticed it at age 13 when suicide awareness was pushed into my book of knowledge by every teacher in junior high. I was constantly told it was wrong to not want to live and I never understood why. Why was I not allowed to want to die?

I don't exactly know where the thoughts originated from but I wanted to find a way to "fix" myself. After many suicide attempts, I started therapy and for the longest time it felt like I was going nowhere. My medications made me anxious, the therapist treated me like I was a five-year-old and even though my parents had good intentions, it only made things worse. I ended up dropping out of school to focus on my mental health. No amount of meditation and laughs could help stop my suicidal thoughts.

There had to be some way to live life without having a constant shadow of depression over my head. I made the effort to change my way of thinking and the negativity still wouldn't budge. One day, I became concerned of possibly having daddy issues. Of course, the first thing I did was search online for answers. After relating to most of the "symptoms" I still wasn't sure if I considered myself as one with daddy issues but I searched for ways of cooperating with it anyway. One of the methods I saw best fit was to simply go with it. I know it may not seem all that healthy but the way I interpreted it was to work my way around it. So I used that same method to handle my depression. Instead of seeing it as a roadblock, I started seeing it as a part of my life.

Instead of letting my depression cuddle me in bed I got up and looked for things that I felt the slightest bit better doing. Being an artist has helped me work around it by transferring it into my artwork instead of locking it up in my mind. I now choose to do things that make me happy rather than going by what should be done, such as studying from home and working indoors as an artist. Sure the thoughts will still be there but if I keep doing the things I enjoy it'll be bearable. Life is difficult for everyone in many different ways but only the person living it can make the decision on what to do about each struggle.

I'm hoping that whoever reads this can try to come to an understanding of their own depression. You don't have to do anything other than what you think is best for you. You only have one life and if you happen to be one of the unlucky ones stuck with depression then build yourself with it. You live your own life and no one else's so make the best of what makes you happy even with depression by your side.