Depression: The Real Struggle

When I was a child, I can remember people talking about depression and the effects of it. Of course I was too young to understand what they were talking about. As I got older, I started to hear more and more of the word; depression. I didn’t really know what the definition of it was until I looked it up on the internet when I was about 15. I suspected I had something similar to this but couldn’t fathom the thought of myself being depressed. I was young, well taken care of, had everything I ever wanted. I had an awesome family and a great group of friends ... but why was I feeling the way I was?

I don’t know how it started. Maybe I saw someone else doing it or heard about it from the internet, but I started to self harm. I would use an eraser to give myself burns on my arms and I would cut; not to kill myself, but to get a release from all the emotional pain I felt. I would hide the scars and marks with bracelets or bands. No one had any idea what was going on. I was a teenager, so of course I felt alone and like no one cared. I was in a relationship with a guy who was a few years older than I was ... he treated me like crap but I “loved” him. He was older than I was, so I was the cool girl with the older cool boyfriend. He would force me to do things that I didn’t want to do and he would threaten me by saying he would leave me forever; I didn’t want that. I was young and I just wanted him. Finally, after about one year of an on again off again relationship, I walked away. I don’t know what clicked in my head but I finally had some sort of realization and walked away.

Okay I’m getting off topic of what I really want to discuss ... depression. Like I said, I have struggled with it for so many long years. As a teen, I struggled and up into my 20s. I was able to mask the pain though, and fake a smile on the outside. Some days were good, some were great, and others were just terrible. I was in a long term relationship with someone from high school and we were absolutely in love. We dated for about eight years before we finally got married. Not long after we were married, everything fell apart. He was cheating on me. He didn’t admit it, but I knew it; all the signs were there. After a few months of hell I went through with him not coming home, staying out all night, and lying, we both decided that we should separate. I moved back home with my dad; it wasn’t the best. Actually, it was horrible. My dad has a history of his own that I can discuss in a later story. Things weren’t good for me. I fell into a deep depression. I wasn’t working, seeing friends. I had nothing. But I had one good thing going for me, and that was a guy who was a very good friend. He helped me out so much through those tough times. That guy is now my husband!

I decided to write about depression though, because just recently I fell back into a very dark and lonely place. I haven’t felt this way in about five years. It’s the month. The month of March is a terrible month for me. I lost my young brother at the age of 23 to a car accident, I lost my uncle, and the day I lost him, I found out that I was pregnant after years of trying only to have a miscarriage on Easter morning. For a few weeks now, I have been in this very dark place. I am slowly starting to feel better again. For a whole week I did nothing but lay in my bed. That only made me feel worse. Nothing or no one could get me to get up and get moving. I felt so hopeless, angry, and afraid. People who do not struggle with depression have no idea what it is like to have these monsters inside of you taking control of your thoughts and feelings. There is nothing you can do. It takes control of you and holds you hostage. I was put on an antidepressant but that made it way worse, so I was taken off of it, but I began to experience withdrawal. It was horrible. I was so sick. I started to feel better and feel like myself again with the support of my family and friends. Then, one day, actually the day before my 30th birthday, it just hit me. Something triggered it. I was back to feeling hopeless, tired. I hated myself. I feared the worse. I brought myself to the ER because I was afraid that if I didn’t do that that I would not be here today to tell my story of depression. I spent the night in the ER talking with doctors and a social worker. I didn’t want to kill myself, I just wanted out. Out of endless pain I felt. I was miserable. My emotions were up and down, my anxiety was at an all-time high. They discharged me about four hours later and I made an appointment with my psychiatrist.

Today I am beginning to feel like me again, and it is the best feeling ever! I missed myself. I missed the me who was always smiling, laughing for no reason, singing and dancing all over the house. I am me again ... but who knows how long it will last this time? I am hoping with the right medication and support of friends and family that I can overcome this evil power and live my life to the fullest and be the greatest that I can be. 💪