Psyche is powered by Vocal creators. You support Rinaldi Coley by reading, sharing and tipping stories... more

Psyche is powered by Vocal.
Vocal is a platform that provides storytelling tools and engaged communities for writers, musicians, filmmakers, podcasters, and other creators to get discovered and fund their creativity.

How does Vocal work?
Creators share their stories on Vocal’s communities. In return, creators earn money when they are tipped and when their stories are read.

How do I join Vocal?
Vocal welcomes creators of all shapes and sizes. Join for free and start creating.

To learn more about Vocal, visit our resources.

Show less

Diary of a Mental Mummy

Sleepless Nights


So here I am at 3:25 in the morning—no sign of sleep, overthinking, over scrolling through social media, so I decided to write.

Insomnia and depression has been apart of my story since the age of 14. I use to take sleeping pills so I could go to bed early to rise early for school the next day. I haven't taken a sleeping pill since I was about 17/18—I realised I was becoming slightly addicted becoming too reliant on them so I just stopped it altogether. They altered my moods way more than they needed to be, I would be calm one minute and then a total monster the next. So I had to stop them altogether, doctors have prescribed them again along with my anti-depressants but I try my best not to take them unless absolutely necessary.

My greatest fear when I can't sleep is the impact it has on my son especially now during his summer holidays. I mean I will have to get up whether sleep or not because I know he relies on me for everything. However, I know I will be extra snappy, my mood will be super low, won't be able to concentrate on anything because all I want to do is sleep. So I will let him do what he wants because it makes him happy and he won't bother me so much, I feel terrible just thinking about it. There are times when I will stay with family if I feel my triggers early enough to seek the help, sometimes however like tonight I got no hint of a warning.

It's almost 4am and I have just three hours till he wakes up with a ball of energy to get on with his day. As much as I can predict how I will be feeling in the morning I refuse to let my depression win this battle. So with what hours I have left I will be trying my hardest to get some shut eye as I have a load of house chores to get through plus to entertain an energetic 8-year-old. I will probably spend most of the day counting down till his bedtime and I hope after not sleeping much tonight I will sleep like a baby tomorrow. Most definitely I will have to find the strength to do some light exercise and meditation tomorrow because I can't let myself get to day two with no sleep. I remember once my insomnia lasted for three nights, that was hell on earth for me! I literally felt like a zombie just going through the motions totally brain-dead.

Day 2 - 12 AM, Still No Sleep

So when I rose this morning I was so exhausted. However, I surprised myself—I got up and did what needed to be done.

I mean, it took a few hours to actually get up, it was as if my son picked up my energy before he woke up. When I heard him playing with his box of LEGOs I thanked God he wasn't in one of his demanding moods as per usual in the mornings. He even decided that he wanted a late breakfast because he had to build something for Iron Man. I have no clue as to what he was on about, but I gladly hung on to my precious time to get some much needed sleep to get on with the day.

So after a hour of half sleeping, I say half because I'm conscious that he's up in the house on his own so I can't allow myself to fall into a deep sleep. He decides he's had enough of LEGO so there's my cue to get up and keep going till his bedtime where I was hoping I would be able to lay here and fall asleep with no problems. Well, I was wrong!

I went through the motions like any mum would, tidied the house with a sweep here and a wipe there, laundry speaking of which is still sitting in the laundry bag waiting to be folded and put away.

Next, it's dinner time, my anxiety always goes up a little due to my son's fussy eating habits but today I couldn't deal with the hassle so I opted for the easy way out. A walk on the high street finished off with a takeaway. I know it's bad but as long as his belly is full I really couldn't be bothered with the nitty gritty of ensuring he gets a nutritious, home cooked meal.

It wasn't necessarily about making things easy for me because I'm too tired to bother but more because I know myself and I know the smallest things would have me snapping like an angry alligator which in turn creates a high level of anxiety in him and we would spend the day battling against each other. Mentally I wouldn't have been able to handle it so yes I took the easy way out.

It's now 1:05 AM and I can sense myself feeling sleepy. So on that note I'm going to stop writing, lay still with the telly low, phone down and hopefully I won't have to wait too long to get my shut eye.

Read next: Acceptance
Rinaldi Coley
Rinaldi Coley

Let's break the stigma. Let's talk about mental health. I decided to start an online diary to give an insight to dealing with mental health as a mum, to reach out to others like myself.

#mentalhealthwarrior #mentalhealthmatters

Now Reading
Diary of a Mental Mummy
Read Next
Acceptance