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Diary of a Pathological Liar

Life Changes You, Not Always for the Better

By Ryan MariePublished 5 years ago 4 min read
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Note: If any interest is shown in this, I will add more chapters. and more journal entries. Eventually becoming more of a novel style Autobiography.

Foreword: The following is a story... but only in the sense of the ending. These events are based upon my life, the ups, and downs associated with growing as an outsider before things were as readily accepted as they are now. The diary dates are merely to give context to my age at the time and names have been changed to protect both myself and the people in my "story."

Chapter 1: The Beginning

Sept. 6 - Age 11

First Day of School!!! I was so nervous, I thought I would get lost and not find my classroom. I'm finally in Grade 5, I'm one of the cool kids now... Or so I thought. It was around the fifth grade when most of my self-image problems began. I've always been heavier than most. Back then I was sweet and innocent, I thought that the world was mine. Unfortunately around this time is when kids get smart enough to become bullies and honestly looking back, I don't blame them at all. They were just like me... scared and insecure. Who decided that the only way to fix this problem was to mercilessly belittle anyone who they ruled to be remotely "different." Many times I would wander home after school, tears in my eyes, just hoping that maybe I wouldn't have to go to school in the morning. Almost daily I would wish myself into sickness and sometimes would even pretend to be sick when it got to be too much. That is where the lies began.

May 20 - Age 12

Track and Field Day... I got a ribbon! For Participating... The kid with asthma even beat me. Why do I even try at all... As you can probably imagine, I was not naturally athletic. A fact I was never allowed to forget because I was reminded constantly by my bullies and honestly even by my teachers. It was already hard enough to try and better myself in some way without the overwhelming pressure that I'm completely useless. My strict religious upbringing did nothing to help me in this matter either. I was not allowed to associate with the other kids outside of school, for fear of... Being led from God's path, wolves in sheep's clothing or something to that effect. I was driven even farther away from the people who I was lucky enough to call my friends. The few people that I felt I could fucking rely on, I was basically banned from ever seeing and timid, quiet me followed this implicitly. You honestly think that I was busy during every birthday you've ever had? Once again, I lied.

Oct 5 - Age 13

Got suspended today... He just wouldn't stop, till I finally made him stop. Why did I get in trouble for this and he didn't...? The few times I finally got fed up and defended myself, I found that I got punished with more severity than the instigator. All the teachers would tell me is, "Just tell him firmly to stop." Yeah, cause that fucking works every time... Bullies don't stop when they are told to, they feed off the pain of their victim and the approval of the masses. I wasn't a violent person by nature but everyone has a breaking point, and I, who reacted physically, got the notice. The days, weeks, and months of constant verbal abuse leading up to this got zero notice. Even if they did, it would be their word against mine. Would you back up the kid if it meant you being the new target? No one stood up for me... So I had to.

April 7 - Age 14

There is this new girl in class, Megan is her name. She's so pretty. If I get a chance to talk to her in class, I'm going to see if she wants to hang out at lunch. Maybe even ask her out later... She loudly and publicly snubbed me in class, she didn't even attempt to spare my feelings. I was crushed... The first time I build up the confidence to try something, I get cut down. I may have been shooting for out of my league, she honestly seemed so nice and genuine. She was perfectly fine being my friend but wouldn't entertain the thought of anything more for an instant. I was already a reclusive person before, so this experience pushed me back even deeper into my "cave" and I wouldn't try anything even remotely romantic until high school. But at least I learned that the prettiest girls are often the most shallow, even though later in life I chose to ignore this knowledge as we will get to later. I was a sweet guy, but no girl would look past the body I was stuck inside. No one would give me a chance.

To Be Continued

coping
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