Discovering Negative Patterns

Tonight is unlike others, but, actually, it’s like a lot of others I’ve had in the past. Tonight everything seems so much, yet I understand that there isn’t much to begin with...and maybe that’s why it seems so crammed.

Tonight I just had another panic attack. When people hear the term “panic attack” they might believe, “Oh no, the poor thing's a basket case.” I understand where this may come from. After all, how could you possibly understand something that you have never come to experience yourself? Unfortunately, these things happen and, for me, it’s quite sudden and often random. Also, unfortunately, it's quite a normal way of life for me and for many other people in the world.

I recently discovered a pattern in myself throughout my moments alone. Between the times 8 p.m. to 2 a.m., I have noticed that I tend to get stressed out or upset to an extreme extent. Depressed if you will. I call this span of time, “Sad Seasons.”(The name is random, just a silly non-serious name to make the moment seem less severe.)

Usually, I spend this time laying on my bed with my earbuds listening to music, watching videos. I try anything to keep myself distracted from emotional stress. You know those sad times when you just turn on sad songs such as “Everybody Hurts” just 'cause you need a little something to cry about? Yeah, it's almost that dramatic of a moment and, yes, this usually ends up with me crying hysterically with one hand on the shower wall and my face in the running water. I try to find substitutes to feed my brain into focusing on something more elaborate like playing instruments, creating art, doing homework. I do my best to find ANYTHING that requires a lot of brain power, because it brings me the opportunity to settle down and regain internal peace.

Disclaimer: (Avoiding the issue isn't ideally the best option for solving your problems.)

During nights like this, however, I would find myself angry at the world, the people in it, me and who I have come to believe I am. I begin to think that I am unlovable, like everything I touch gets destroyed, and that nobody who ever lived or will live could ever understand me. I tell myself, “it’s not a wonder everyone thinks that you don’t love them, you are so full of angst and hatred .” I use a lot of words like “worthless” “useless” and “hateful” to describe myself.

Of course, I’d be saying this sloppily because my tears are everywhere and my boogers are just all in my mouth and it’s just a yucky mess really. Something to look back and laugh on when you’re feeling better for sure. It’s not funny in the moment, I ended up punching myself in the left arm as hard as I could, but my body holds back...so I get angry that I’m unable to create bruises. I end up giving up, and lay holding my arms close to my chest as a way to say to myself, “I’m sorry for what I have done.” I’m glad that I don’t have the strength to go on. I am happy that my body gives up on me because it would be a terrible mistake to go any further than that.

It is always heartbreaking to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

In the heat of the moment, not only do I find myself sobbing like a dramatic four-year-old who was denied a lollipop in the checkout aisle, but I have said, “I want to die” more than once. I was twelve years old when I first muttered the words “take me home.”... “ Just please take me home father, please.” During these patterns at night, I find humor in myself. I actually CAUGHT myself repeating that same phrase like I do always and instead I said, “God, I know I’ve said it before a million times, but I just want to go home.” And you know what? I would lay down, make myself all pretty, lay neatly on my bed, close my eyes and wait to just see the light.

Instead of dying every night, of course, I would wake up to sunshine and birds the next day. “I fell asleep.” By then, of course, I'd already be feeling like myself again and finally the war of the “Sad Seasons” was over. Of course, I knew it would be back again at 8 p.m., but I’ve accepted my fate, so bipolar depression, "Come and get me honey."

Although I’m in a chaotic state of mind, I do actually take the time to reflect on myself and try to understand how I got to feeling this way in the first place. Often times I find that I have no logical reason to be feeling so blue. I’m young, but I do understand that in a moment of crisis, it is always important to just stop and say to myself, “Hey, it’s alright. You can sit down and take care of this, you can just break it down step by step.” Now, I don’t want anybody thinking that I’m always talking to myself, I just find that it helps me organize a solution for the pain. Explaining my situations to others is actually helps me feel better because, again, I am using my brain critically.

(Never be afraid to talk to someone you trust about your problems, It might actually feel good.)

I am a teenager, so that may explain the dramatic syntax. My problems are problems, however, and they’re often serious enough to cause pain, but understand that life is an emotional roller coaster sometimes... I just need to use the strength I have to learn to cope properly instead of using it to harm myself. There are better ways to take action. It isn't healthy to run away from your problems, but if you aren't able to fix the problem yet, don't beat yourself up. Understand that you can definitely do it whenever you're ready. You just need to know the first place to start. I will always be learning more about myself and my patterns of behavior as I get older and as I experience more in life.

Still a Very Happy Girl

Learn about yourself, memorize the way you act, and really get to understand how to make your one life less of a hassle. :)