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Have you ever feel like you are no longer the person you were months ago? How about a year ago? Or maybe a few years ago? Have you ever felt so lost that you no longer remember what your purpose or aspiration was in life? Have you ever felt like you were not you? Have you ever thought of just reinventing yourself? Have you ever tried to change your name to something else, so you can dissociate with your original name which carries bad memories?
I have. And some of you have, too.
Maybe this is a thing we all go through, some type of self-identity crisis. I mean, I am 20 now, the age of where I begin to find myself. But what a crock of shit that is. I knew who I was before then, but now... I am so lost. I don't remember who I am. Sure, I probably am what you consider me to be in my prime years, but I have been dreaming of the day I became what I always wanted to become. And now... I see it slipping away from my grasp.
Have you ever looked back at the horrible things that have happened and wished it didn't? Have you ever wished that those horrible things didn't change you?
I wish it didn't change me. I wish it didn't. I wish it didn't change how I viewed life. I wish it did not cause me to get into this head space where life is okay, that I am okay. Every time someone asks me "How are you, Jem?" or "Is everything all right, Jem?" I reply with a simple "I'm fine." But really, I'm not. And I don't know why.
You are probably thinking that I could easily change my life around. Well, you are right. I can. But how do I find myself again? How do you find yourself? How do you remember who you are? How do you know if you're a good person? How do you know you have potential to succeed? How do you know you're a beautiful being? How do you know?
I feel disconnected from others. From my sisters, my significant other. From everyone. I can't feel, whether it's emotional, mental, or sexual. I can't feel anymore. Have you ever felt like this before? Have you ever longed to feel again?
I am not going to end this on such a sour note. But for you readers, I am going to make my first confession here: the name I prefer to be referred to is Ali. Not Jem. And I would love to believe I am okay and that everything will turn out how I want it to be. That is my mantra. I am okay. Everything is okay. Everything will turn out how I want it to be.
I know I am not the only one suffering from this empty dissociation with who we are. At least, I hope I am not the only one. It is something I do not wish upon anyone. But knowing others who are experiencing what I am going through does put me at ease, because I feel so alone.
Let's talk about Ali for a bit, then I will end it. Ali is into horror. She has a horror and aesthetics blog on Tumblr. She is someone who feels not right most of the time, but it could be due to her body image issues. She does not feel beautiful. She feels ugly. She feels alone. I feel alone. I am Ali.
I hope one day, I can finally see and feel again. I hope I can see my future again, and feel happy again. I hope one day you can see and feel again, too. But for now, we must suffer this unbearable dissociation, conditioning ourselves into being who we really are not.