Don't Sleep

Somehow, I think that if I just don’t sleep then tomorrow just won’t come. Of course it always does, but just let me live in my fantasy for a little longer. Sleepless eyes and with my weak body with the covers softly snuggled around me, I wish that I could just melt into them. I want to sleep so badly…but then again in the morning I would stir and the sun will gently wake me up. Immediately my brain internally screams silently at my torment - that I actually have to get up and live. Which is why I stay up on my laptop watching videos and playing games that bring me joy and out of my own mind for a while before snapping back and realizing my world is much darker and more painful than the ones I escape to. The characters always seem to find a way to live happy - happy perhaps being a bit of a stretch - and fulfilled lives. Somehow meeting people, finding adventures and having everything conveniently fall into place. Everything in which my life is not.

Then go find that thrill!

To actually go out there and find it. I can barely walk out of my room before I feel my muscles tensing and my body’s core has no energy left to light that burning fire that keeps me going. Not like when I’m alone in my room. Where I have my books and stories. There I feel comfortable enough to feel confident, and able to relax as myself. Everywhere else I feel like I have to be on guard, that I have to protect myself. From what? From who? Who knows? It’s not a thought that I have for myself but instead feels like an instinct. As if my body itself wants to scrunch and curl up to protect itself from the innocent taunting voices. Though walking through crowds of people having conversations amongst themselves feels like distant laughing and whisperings about me. Another reason why I prefer my stories. The characters aren’t capable of judging me personally or making me feel so small.

I know it’s all my fault. That most of it is only in my mind, but the coldness and pain are real. It now gets to the point that everything screams at me to sleep and the truth is that I want to, but I can’t. It’s too late for that now, because if I do I know I will sleep through the alarm and wake up in a panicked mess. I hate to be late. That’s why I wake up at half five in the morning to get ready so I have an hour or two to spare with stories that hug and soothe me for the day ahead. Even just for a while I might crack a smile and laugh with my dose of happiness to last me the day. The dose drains quickly. Every week day this is how the morning starts, and every Friday after the week is done I collapse from exhausted lack of sleep and mental torture. Weekends are my heaven because it means I don’t necessarily need to go outside.

I can’t keep living like this. Wishing that I would sleep and never wake up. Wishing that I could talk to people without a crack in my voice, which is if I speak at all. Wishing that my birthday never happened which is what I like to pretend to do. However, you can only get three wishes as that is how the tale goes, so instead I’ll wish that I could feel nothing at all. At least then I can go to outlive the people who love me and give in to the struggle that I’ve been fighting since forever. I can sleep. Then that way no one gets hurt. Which is why I can’t do that right now because people call that cowardly and selfish to do that to the people they leave behind. I can’t imagine why anyone would feel that way about me, but I’m not blind, I see that this mindset does unfortunately exist or I would have already taken off. It’s them that are selfish. Just because it will hurt to see me go I have to stick around and suffer until my life force bleeds out anyway. My eyes swell up just to think of it.

I lay exhausted and watch the sunlight come. Tomorrow is here but I didn’t rest so technically it’s still the same day. Of course I have dreams, but I know that’s all they are, and I can let go. What if I have children just to experience life the way that I do, and to also feel the inner conflicts of love over their own peace? I can’t imagine how much gut wrenching pain that would be to watch as a parent. Better not to take the chance. Plus who would love me enough to be a part of my life and to give me babies? A dream is a dream. I have to get up soon.