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Don’t Call Me Crazy

My dangerous love affair!

By Senoj JonesPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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beautiful nightmare

It’s painful. What I’m feeling right now as I type this... The feeling of not knowing the response I’ll get. The fear of judgement and being looked at as “crazy”. Something's wrong. I’m not quite sure what it is, but I can tell you about when it all started... Later. For now, just read on, because I’d like to share a story with you...

I could’ve gotten a hotel when I didn’t have anywhere to stay. I had money. But I wanted to be around someone. I yearned for companionship... I knew she’d welcome me with open arms, and she did. She actually rushed me over. Text after text... I hadn’t even spoken to her in over a month. Let’s not forget the fact that I’d lead her on for years.

I feel horrible, but I’m not. The truth is it wasn’t intentional! I had no idea she’d fallen in love with me. I’d only hooked up with her a few times... Told her what I thought every girl wanted to hear...

As I walked up the stairs to her apartment, I could feel the air depleting. It got warmer and warmer the closer I got. I could barely breathe.

Before I made it to the door I heard “what the $&@?!” I immediately knew what had happened. She’d felt embarrassed, maybe she knew that I knew she wasn’t really rushing me, because she had somewhere to go, but because she wanted me in her space. How I wanted her in mine...

I hadn’t had anxiety in a long time, but for some reason my aura, my space, my peace, my mind, my soul was bothered! I was comfortable, somewhat. But my spirit was not.

I attempted to have a conversation with her... And she’d acted how she had over the years. I had just never seen it in person.. We stayed in contact via text and social media... She wanted to be with me, but I never saw her as “girlfriend material.”

She snapped. She said I disturbed her and she was used to being alone... That’s when I realized; she had a mental illness... I’d never witnessed anything like it.

I said, “Look at you. You’re crazy girl.”

She walked into the bathroom and stayed there for an hour.

I overheard her conversation (talking to family about her grandmother passing) they dismissed her as if she was nobody...

Ouch.

“I’m going to the mall later if you want to come,” I insisted before leaving the house...

She called me. She had an attitude, but I knew she was hurt and she wanted to go... I told her to get dressed and I picked her up. “My baby..."

It was a day to remember. Everything had changed in the matter of minutes. She went from walking around me LITERALLY for two days as if I wasn’t there to saying, “Come lay with me,” “Give me a kiss.”

I did that and more...

We made love if you’d ask me...

For some odd reason (maybe because of my crazy) I started to feel uncomfortable. As if I needed to watch her.

I went out with my friends to see the movie Ma. And it all made sense... To my crazy.

I’d been the ONE to make her feel special while everyone else didn’t see her. And I was the ONE to make her feel like nothing. I’m sorry.

“Get up and give me a hug,” She said...

But I wasn’t interested. We had talked at the mall; we’d agreed to be nothing more than friends. I thought.

I told her we needed to talk. She ignored me. It was back to silence... I tried approaching her again and she had pulled out a knife and said, “I’m trying to be a good person.”

So often we ignore the little signs that may cost us later. I didn’t mean to hurt her, I had no idea the effect I’d had on her. She had mentioned therapy (good for her!) I ignored that...

The scariest thing is that I’ve found myself in a similar situation. I will be seeking help. I’ll also protect my space. I promise me.

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About the Creator

Senoj Jones

Im still getting to know my myself, well allowing myself to get to know and be me... Follow my journey @sen.oj on al social platforms.

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