Dreaming of Escape

"And in the end, we lie awake, and we dream of making our escape."

A beautiful lyric from Coldplay's Death & All His Friends (or perhaps more accurately, from the hidden track "The Escapist"?) That line comes to my mind often, sometimes when I least expect it. I think it is one of the most beautiful sentences and is performed so beautifully by the band.

I think it comes to mind because to escape is what I want so much, but what I constantly fight.

I struggle with depression. Sometimes the fight against it includes thoughts of suicide. I don't believe I will ever attempt to take my own life. I can't explain why I believe this, it's just an ingrained thought. I hope I'm not wrong.

Despite this knowledge, the ideation of suicide can be a comforting thought; the idea that there is an escape that will take away all the pain. It sounds so peaceful and pleasant. So warm and comforting.

But as I said, I'm not going to go down that path. I'm not going to find my solace in the next world. I'm going to work hard to find my "escape" in this world. I'm going to work to create a life I love and I want to LIVE for.

Perhaps you are enduring the same struggle; the desire to make changes but the inability to know how. Maybe even the lack of motivation to do it. I am on meds and I've seen psychologists. That is not the part I am struggling with. It is the desperate fight to gain the upper hand, to battle against the powerful pull to do nothing and be miserable.

I have made some major changes in my life to try and gain that upper hand, but what I am discovering is that it is the little things that are both the most difficult and the most important.

For instance, I find I have to really work to keep the promises I make to myself. It is really so important for me to teach myself that, no matter what else happens or who is there for me, I am here for myself. If I cannot do anything for anybody else, at least I can do something for myself. If I tell myself: I will go to bed early, I will work on my résumé, I will eat a salad for lunch, I will not make plans with that negative person, I will save my money, I will clean the windows—then I HAVE TO do those things, unless it is completely impossible. That will lead me to trust myself, to gain confidence, to take control of my life and make the changes I need to make.

And all the little examples I mentioned in that list? Go to bed early, get things done, save money, etc.? Those are little things that are so tough, too. Self-care really is learned as we grow. Christine Hassler would say that I am not yet fluent in looking after myself.

Somedays I am so determined to get better. Other days I am not able to beat the powerful pull and I end up miserable. When I feel the need to escape this world, I want to remember that it is a much better path to instead create my escape in this world. I will work to create a life that I don't WANT to escape from.