Drowning

It’s a bit like drowning. At first, you're at the surface and you think you're doing great but suddenly, with one shift movement, your head is under water and you can’t guide air to your lungs. Panic gets to you and before your brain can comprehend the situation and get you out of it, you've lost too much air. The alarm goes off in your head and without even thinking, you take a breath. But instead of air, water fills your lungs, making every single part of them radiate, the intense pain tearing thyself apart right before you drown.

That’s what it feels like every time I wake up. Unbearable torture. You feel lost inside, like you’ve lost a part of you somewhere and you just can't seem to ever find it. There’s just this space that you can’t fill and it drives you insane. You want to get better, you want to have a normal life, but it’s not that simple for you. Every little emotion is your finger on the trigger and you just can’t know when you're going to press i. It's Russian roulette all over again, but this time even scarier since you are playing with your emotions. Emotions. Well, that’s something you don’t like to talk about. They terrify you. You would like to try and talk it out with someone but let’s be honest, no one can understand if they've never felt the same. So you go on, walking in circles, repeating the same mistakes over and over. A war goes off in your head, trying to understand. Trying to know why this is happening. What have YOU done to deserve all of this? Pain just fills the shallow space in your heart. Slowly pumping it through your veins. It’s getting harder to pretend that everything is fine.

You're not eating anymore, are you? You're not going out; the charade is quickly fading. Not talking, not moving. You won’t be able to take it much longer. It’s getting impossible to carry it all on your shoulders. The dreadful phrases are creeping in again... “Who cares anyway? It’s not like anyone will miss me.” So, you're finally there, sitting on your bathroom floor, the razor blade between your small shaky fingers. And the same sensation stretches through your body. The whole drowning feeling. You are there, trying desperately to catch your breath but nothing comes in nor comes out. The need to scream is growing stronger but your throat is shut tight and you feel the tears rushing over, crossing the boundaries of your eyes to fall on the floor. You quickly bring the blade to your arm and you're ready. But for some reason, those wise words someone once told you reaches the back of your mind. You can almost hear his voice. So you stop, put the blade down on the floor, and cry all the feelings you’ve been clinging to for the last months. You think it is over, don’t you? But it’s not. It’s a vicious circle. It keeps happening like the foolish movie of our lives is stuck on repeat. It’s a bit like drowning.

***I just want to say, this was written a few years ago and suicide is never EVER an option. If you are in a dark state of mind please reach out for help. Call a suicide hotline. You are NOT alone. You ARE worth it. It’s easy sometimes to get stuck in all of the darkness but it doesn’t mean that’s all there is. I swear it’s always brighter after the dawn.

I hope you liked this story.