Earth Shattering

Have you ever felt your heart breaking so deeply you can look in the mirror and see the earth quake that's ripping your soul apart? Nothing was supposed to be this way, this wasn't supposed to happen, but it did. There is no going back, There is no making it right. No more I love you, no more long nights..

Seeing your entire world crumble at your feet does something internally; words can only try to explain. It's a million tiny minors chipping away at who you are, piece by piece. This isn't who you are, it's the medication. You're normally not like this, what happened. Was it all too much, was there a breaking point? Something snapped.

Between the frustration, the sadness and sorrow, the whirlwind of emotions, a tornado crashed through my home and destroyed everything. Angry is just sad's bodyguard. Sad about the situation, sad nothing got better, sad how I felt, sad how I acted, sad at the way the world saw me. It's easy to be angry, it's difficult to be sad. When faced alone with nothing but my mind I crumble. Tears happen that I cannot stop.

A fate that was going to happen one way or another, but never saw it happening that way. Unsettling that there isn't closure. There isn't that clean break. Feelings linger trying to tempt you back into the same situation. They coax and tease your emotions into the open, leaving you vulnerable for a pack of hatred wolves to pounce and eat you whole. Being alone with my own mind is tormenting; it never shuts off, it never gives you a break.

Constantly replaying the same situation over again. Making sure we go over every single what-if there is possible. No stone is left unturned. Each time more and more sorrow fills the empty box that once housed our family, our love, windows for people to look in and view our happiness. Now it's full of tears, black sand, sorrow; making it a place you can never call home again. Apologies from either party mean nothing. Too much was said, too much was felt.

Love was not looked upon during this time. Love was not considered in the aftermath of consequence. Love was forgotten and has been lost ever since. An apology will not mean much, but I give one anyway.

Apologizing for how I made you feel, for the trouble and pain I have caused in your heart. It might not mean much, but I hope it allows you peace of mind. I was not right, that was not right. I was in the wrong; and I apologize.

I will look to myself, reflect to understand what happened. Why I snapped; how can I prevent it? This will not be the end of me. In fact, it’s just the beginning. Something new is on the horizon, I can feel it in my soul.

There’s a change in the wind, it’s blowing in a new direction. I shall follow a new path, become better. Maybe in time then you will see me for who I truly am. Maybe then our family can be whole again. Until that time I will write. My progress will be physical; you will be able to read it and know it’s true. The journey starts today, my bags are packed and I’m at the train station ready to go. In my darkest hours I will put on a brave face and I must remember to always keep moving forward, no matter what.