Eating Disorder Treatment Day 1 (Round 1)

Despite how very sick I was, and how awfully fuzzy and clouded my mind was, I can remember the morning I was admitted to treatment for the first time like it just happened this morning. It was April 1, 2012; I woke up early (several hours before departure) to shower, blow dry my hair, straighten it to perfection, get dressed, and put on my make-up. I had packed up a variety of clothing options for me to choose from for the weeks ahead of me as well as a blanket, art supplies, school books/notebooks, and toiletries. I was on auto-pilot, and no emotions were coming to the surface, that is until I bent down to pet my dog, Biscuit, "good-bye." Just typing that sentence out brings tears to my eyes, just as it did on that day. As I felt the tears forming in my always blood-shot eyes, I quickly stood back up and exited the house. Crying, according to the eating disorder in my head, was a sign of weakness so therefore it was not allowed in front of other people.

The car ride to the treatment center lasted only 30 minutes, yet it felt much longer. Only 30 minutes away and I had never heard of the place...I suppose though unless I hadn't been in denial about my eating disorder, I would have heard of it via the Internet by now. I remember it was a Monday, my best friend at the time, Hunter would be awake by this time so I texted her. I don't remember the conversation well but I do remember crying and her saying that she was near tears too.

When we arrived at the facility I remember feeling like I was dreaming; nothing felt real, not until I got out of the car, finished meeting my therapist, the nurse, and tutor, and told one of the staff members what I had eaten so far that day which was just a Special K bar. All of that went by sort of in slow-motion. The next thing I recall is being taken into a small group therapy room with my mom and dad to say "good-bye." I honestly can't bring myself to write about what that was like so I'll skip to what the rest of the day consisted of.

After my parents left the building I was taken upstairs to the adolescent unit. There were just a few minutes left until lunch time. I remember sitting down in a big chair, there was a couch but I didn't yet feel comfortable sitting next to another patient. Before I knew it I was sitting at the round table in the kitchen area staring down at a plate with a peanut butter bagel and I think some crackers on the side. I ate very slowly as I watched the other patients prep their lunches and make their ways to the table too.

After lunch was a group called yellow sheet where we filled out a (yep, you guessed it!) yellow sheet. We all had to come up with six different goals, three being food related and the remaining three being therapy related. We also had to write down our concerns, and whether or not we had any symptoms or urges over the weekend.

I can honestly say that I do not remember the rest of the day all that well but I do know I began crying some time during lunch and didn't stop for three days. Throughout the day I know we had two other group therapy meetings and I believe I also met with my individual therapist once to check in on how I was adjusting.

Bed time was the hardest part of my first day, I wanted nothing more than to sleep in my own bed and wake up in the morning to find that the whole day was just a crazy dream, but it wasn't. Living in a treatment center for anorexia was my new reality for what I thought would just be a few weeks but ended up being seven.

Check back tomorrow (February 27, 2018) for Amanda vs "Ana" Part 5.