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I’m glad you’re here, either out of curiosity or out of desire for understanding—or anything else for that matter!
I started going through phases of starvation when I was about 14 years old, trying to fit into the stereotypical picture perfect version of myself I suppose. Which, in retrospect, sucked because I love food! Especially Forrero Rochers! ☺️
There are many kinds of eating disorder I have now discovered, and I am ashamed to say that I used to be ignorant to it all. I would look at someone that I thought was a little too thin and judge them. I now know that everyone is beautiful in their own way and I had no right to ever question someone else’s worth.
I look at the world so much differently now, I see an eating disorder as a form of strength. As ridiculous as it sounds, you’re alive! If it wasn’t for that eating disorder, that sense of control over your own life, you might not be. I know I wouldn’t.
From a very young age I was emotionally put down and made to feel very small, easily dispensable. When I turned 21, my eating disorder took over my life with the help of some medication side effects.
I had always been cautious of my weight. I’m not really sure why. I had usually maintained a size 10 or 12 throughout most of my teens.
However, the medication I was on caused weight loss. I saw those numbers falling away and pictured the models in the magazines! Bare in mind, I’m only 5'1" so could never gain that body structure; I’m not sure anyone could healthily.
But that’s the thing, society tells us we need to be a certain way and because it is strewn in our faces so frequently it is imprinted. At least it was for me.
I was a size 6, 46Kg, exhausted, skeletal, and grey looking. I was happy though, as I’d made it to below 50Kg. I’d reached my goal. But it wasn’t enough. It’s never enough. I got referred to a councillor for depression who, in turn, referred me to an eating disorder service.
Over nine months of talking and learning new ways to train my brain into thinking food was okay I learnt to behave in a manner that people thought was normal. I gained a little bit of weight, enough to stop people worrying, and began to purge.
I still felt drained and exhausted though, and all of the secrets didn’t help!
Over time, things just got a little easier. Once people understood what I was going through and I asked for help, even though I may not have necessarily wanted it at the time, it became second nature to say "just a small dinner" instead of having nothing at all.
We all have hurdles, and not everyone will understand yours, but hell, you deserve the best life you can possibly have!
I am much healthier and happier since recovering and have a much stronger support system. Now I can be open about my feelings, positive or negative.
Things I Found Helpful
✅ Watch TV while trying to eat.
✅ Only eat what you can manage.
✅ Eat little and often.
✅ Surround yourself with positive people.
❎ Do not weigh yourself.
❎ Do not pressure yourself into eating too much.
Remember that your life is what you make it. Your past will only have a hold on you if you let it.
We all have demons. You don’t need to hide yours. It’s terrifying, I know, but reach out. The world just might surprise you.