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Education vs. Mental Health

An honest post about my struggles with education and my mental disorders.

By Hailey MattsonPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Photo by Mpho Mojapelo*Disclaimer: Family members of mine may not know about these struggles of mine. Please have an open mind about my decisions.*

Monday. That dreadful day will always capture my mind and make me reverse my thoughts to how this all started. I'm constantly screwing and unscrewing the cap of my brain to try and configure what caused all this misery. I haven't been to school in three years. Last time I went was the last day before Thanksgiving break 2014. I never went back that following Monday.

Waking up that cloudy Monday morning perfectly depicts how I, myself, actually felt. Its all just a blur. All I remember was breaking down, hysterically crying to my Mom. I don't even remotely remember what I said. It just coughed up right out of me.

Over the course of the next year, my Mom continuously fought with my school to get me the help I needed accordingly with my mental disorders. My school couldn't of cared less about my health. I even got tested for an IEP (Individualized Education Program), but they never gave me my results because I wasn't ready to go back to a school where no one cared to listen.

Leaving school at a time when Michelle Obama, Malala Yousafzai, Emma Watson, and so many extremely intelligent, strong women were fighting for girls' rights to education all around the globe; it made me feel terrible that I was giving up an education that was so easily handed to me with no repercussions. Sixty-two million girls have no access to the tools they need for a bright future and I was just tossing it away like it was a bag full of trash.

It took me a while to realize that I didn't freely give up my education. In a twisted way, it was taken from me when the demons of my childhood caught up to me at the wrong time. There's never a right time though.

I still want to get my diploma or GED. Currently, I'm still trying to control my mental disorders. Yes, disorder is plural, meaning more than one. Four to be exact.

I live with anxiety (extreme social), depression, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder, and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder.) All these coincide with the trauma I experienced as a child, but that story is for another time.

I almost feel a responsibility and extreme pressure to talk about my experience with mental illness. I didn't understand how I was supposed to balance school, home, work, and anything else. If I wasn't okay in my head or heart, then how was I supposed to focus on my education. Education is something you should put your all into. You're pressured and drilled from an early age that its all that matters. You need good grades, so you can go to a good school, and have an even better future. You're given huge amounts of homework to be done in a day or two on top of other assignments given to you in that time frame. It's impossible for some students to achieve that. Everyone has a different mind and body, a different home life. What if all that pressuring changes a child's mind? I can't give a hundred percent if I can't figure out the chaos inside myself first. Not everything pans out the way its supposed to.

I often question myself if its wrong to fight for girls' education around the world if I haven't fully succeeded in mine yet. It doesn't mean I don't. Everyone, girl or boy, deserves the right to an education so they can fully embody their potential. It also can help figure out who you are as a person and where you think you might belong.

I don't know what you think is more important: education or mental health, but I feel my mental health is more important so I can put my best self forward in whatever I choose to do. I want an education, but I need to control my mind and thoughts before I dive deep all over again and make sure I can power through it till the end.

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About the Creator

Hailey Mattson

I'm just a girl sitting in front of a screen asking you to listen.

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