Embarrassed

My life has been a rollercoaster.

A lot of issues happened during my childhood that caused a great deal of pain, but have definitely made me who I am today.

Then I got to high school, where I also developed a lot of issues. I struggled with making good friends and being social, I had a difficult time doing well in school, and I had body issues. These situations created a lot of pain, but I had to push through.

Then I went through four years of college. It was the best four years of my life. I made so many new friends and put myself in new situations that made me extremely nervous such as joining a sorority and taking communication courses. Once I got to my final semester of college, I applied to jobs daily. As each day passed, I would continue to get more anxious due to not hearing back from companies.

I graduated. All of my friends were getting jobs and even though I was happy for them, on the inside it killed me. I was jealous of them and it made me feel like crap about myself. Why was I not getting a job?

Graduating from a college that is seen in a positive light, maintaining a good GPA, and having internship experience, I was confused to why I wasn't even getting interviews. This situation led to me to being depressed. I've been through a lot of negative situations in my life and this is by far one of the worst. I worked so hard to get nowhere, in a way.

I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to change my clothes or shower, put makeup on my face, and go to a job that I didn't even want, it just gave me JUST ENOUGH money for my school loans every month. I hated myself, but at this point, I realized I was depressed.

Even though I realized I have depression, I have only told my significant other and a friend of mine who struggles with the same thing. I told my friend only because I wanted to know ways to help it. The day I told her, I was so depressed I wanted to cancel our coffee date, but I knew I needed to hear what she had to say.

This realization happened about a year ago and I am still struggling with my mental illness. I graduated over a year ago and I still don't have a job. I feel that once I have a job, my depression will go away completely.

My point is that I still have depression, but it is better than it used to be. I want to acknowledge it and learn to not be embarrassed. Rather, communicate my feelings with my loved ones. I know they can help. I'm just used to being known as the goofy, loving family member and I don't want them to think of me differently.

But I am working on myself and trying to stay positive. Rather knowing I have depression and be embarrassed about it, I will learn more about it and tell my loved ones so they can be by my side. I just need to continue figuring myself out.

xoxo