Emptiness

Do you ever have one of those days where you just sit and relax and let all your feelings or lack there of, consume you?

I've been doing a lot of that lately. My feelings are jumbled and mixed and it feels like any emotion that I feel just gets sucked up into this void of emptiness and gets lost and locked up in this vacuum of space in my mind. It's maddening; not knowing how to feel or what I'm feeling fully. I've never felt like this before.

My thoughts are bleeding into my dreams now too. Some dreams are good, others I awake in cold sweat gripping my stuffed animal as tight as I can. Something in me is fighting my mind. Everything I do feels insignificant and it affects everything. Whenever I go to work on a story that I've been working on and off of for months: progress that used to be steady and well, now is stuck and even when I do force myself to write, the words don't string together and the sentences don't have the same emotion that they used to.

Sentences lack empathy and words lack color. I never thought that I'd be in that place, that mindset. I used to write as a hobby, I started writing about five years ago or so. Working on and off on stories that I felt successfully captured my heart and soul. That's the secret, working on the stories when you feel like working on them, and having them call to you. Now I write as an escape. Like my mind wants to scream but can't so I escape in words. Once in that mode set, writing got more and more difficult. I guess I'm not living anymore. I'm trying to live through the stories and since I've isolated myself, they’ve become my only reality.

I used to be able to pick myself up and fight the blockings in my mind. Now I fear that my mind has become too powerful for me to fight without help. Dancing, singing, and dancing again helps tremendously. They're the only reason I get out of bed. Dancing has become a daily activity for me. I used to only sing or be musically in the mornings when I got ready for school. Now that I have nothing going on in my life, it has become the only thing worth living. Re-reading my stories makes me feel more alone. Like creating something and having no one to celebrate or show it to; it just makes you feel even more alone.

Trying to piece together what happened to me, when I changed, what went wrong, I don't have an answer. I think I've always been this broken but didn't realize it until last year. Once that reality set, I tried to reject it and fight and put on this mask of saying, "I'm fine." Once that happened, I pushed my emotions down and anytime they bubbled up, I just sent them to that corner of my mind; safe, locked up in this vault that I don't dare to even think about opening.

The vault is weakening with each passing day, my feelings are slipping out and they make the harsh reality even more deadly. Not feeling is something that I experienced for about a week. I discovered it when I was younger. I have this process where I can shut off every ounce of emotion that I have within a seventy-two hour period. So long as nothing significant triggers an emotional response, I can then become this emotionless robot; this hollow shell of a person. Now it is this constant thing, constantly trying to shut it off, constantly failing.

I don't even consider myself a person anymore really. Everyone drifts, it's natural. But I've found myself craving people that I thought that I'd never see again or even meet. It's strange. Every time I try and follow the connection, my mind makes sense of it but it doesn't change the situation. I don't have any income, writing isn't paying off, the dancing that I do hasn't generated any tips or anything. I've gotten a few flirty messages but that's about it. I thought uploading my dancing would make me feel more confident, better, but it hasn't. I've become so lost that I don't recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror. I watch my videos and look deep into my eyes and the person staring back isn't the same.

I wish I could feel but I just can't. I feel hopelessness, despair, and all the hope that I once had, mocked. Even in my dreams, my hopes and dreams are mocked now. I can't do anything to change anything; I feel true powerlessness and despair. Constantly waiting for some miracle to happen, doubtfully so, but still. I don't see any thing else that will happen. I'm in this constant never ending cycle of despair. I'm worried that nothing will ever change. How could it? How could one person be that important?

I keep sleeping in hopes that my dreams will give me some insight or lead me in a direction that will help me. So far, nothing, just hugs and tenderness that I awake from. It's as if someone gives you the most tender touch and you awaken realizing that it's just a dream. But what's worse, I've had about a dozen of these dreams. Each time I awaken more and more heartbroken and alone.

Going for walks, kneeling on the ground at the moon, begging, pleading for change; and nothing. I feel like I'm not good enough for the world. I just want to sleep and never wake up, or just disappear into the blink of the emptiness of space...