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For the People Who Can’t Quite Understand What They’re Experiencing

Envy (n): a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck.

There are a multitude of reasons as to why we have trouble admitting the truth to ourselves. One of those reasons being our wishing we had what someone else currently possess. I myself have had trouble admitting this very thing for quite a while now, one of the reasons being the complexity behind my envy.

Maybe you’re like me and you feel compelled to understand the deeper rooted issue of your feelings. It has taken me a while to get to a place where I can come to gripping terms with who I truly am. I find that as people, we tend to embrace our good side but completely disregard the bad since we would rather repress it and/or pretend it doesn’t exist. However it is rather important to embrace your ugliness to get a clearer understand and perspective of what the deeper issue is, and how to combat it. As an example I will talk about my own feelings envy and how I gained personal awareness and perspective in my life through understanding my feelings.

Since I was in kindergarten I’ve had feelings of envy, wishing I had what my peers have. Other kids in my class were jealous of things such as, “Who has the shiniest toy?” or “Who has the coolest light up shoes?”. The kids would always try to out-do one another, envious if another child receives more attention.

But my envy was a bit different.

I was never envious towards shoes, toys, or the coolest pencil crayons. I was envious of stability since it’s something everyone else seemed to have except myself. I was envious of two-parent homes and of kids who’s parents picked them up after school. I was envious of financial stability since it’s something I struggled with growing up. I was envious of the kids who grew up in one home rather than my situation, where I had to bounce around from home to home for years. I was envious of the kids who didn’t have to constantly switch schools since every house I moved to was too far from my previous school. I was envious of innocence. There were children who have never experienced this type of struggle, and all they have ever known was a good life.  I was absolutely envious, so I would dream instead of all the things I want but couldn’t have. Even now I find myself envious towards the families who still have family dinners and celebrate holidays together. Or the families who can invite distant relatives over for thanksgiving. 

It’s something I still wish I had.

It has taken me years to come to this realization of where my envy lies and I choose to fully embrace it. There is power in owning yourself and I choose to be as honest as possible. I turned that envy around and asked myself what I’m missing in my own life to feel so discontent, and I believe a lot of it has to do with my own insecurities. Rather than remain envious of what others have, I want to create what I’m missing for myself. Envy isn’t going to change my childhood, nor is it going to fill me with what I need. Envy creates a passionate and empty longing that can change you and create false premises. Maturity allowed me to realize that the people I was jealous towards may not have had a perfect family. They could have had dysfunction just like everyone else since every single person who exists has their own various issues. When the envy started to clear I began to think about ways I can make my life better rather than have this undying longing in my heart. 

My own insecurity of not having stability needs to change so I can live a fulfilling life without wanting what I don’t have. I want to achieve the very thing I become envious over. I want happiness and to never feel as if I am missing something in my life. So to anyone who gets the feelings of envy, you need to embrace it and ask yourself why it’s there in the first place. In cases such as mine there is a deeper cause for it and there are ways to combat it. 

Be true to yourself.