Escape Anxiety

I was very interested in writing for Vocal to see what the hype was all about. I was unsure of what I could possibly write about. I don't feel I'm very interesting and I've never been very popular. While I may stand out in a crowd due to my upbeat personality and constantly changing hair color, inside I feel anxious, shy, and always worried. Just writing these few lines I think I may have just found what I know best about and could hopefully help change others life with. How to push yourself to be in the spot light when inside you are anxious as all hell.

From the moment I walk into a room, whether it is filled with all people I know or all strangers, I feel my body respond in the same way. My heart races, I stand there awkwardly looking for a friendly face to calm my nerves, possibly sweat a little, and want to run right back out the door. It's not that I don't want to be there, It's not that I'm scared, I just feel like everyone is staring at me. One would look at pictures of me smiling and posing with others and would never know how anxious I was at that moment. Others who have anxiety know exactly the feeling I am talking about. The hard part is, how do you explain to those people who don't get anxious how it feels to get hit with a truck in the chest every time you walk in to a new store, restaurant, home, or even work.

My whole life I've had feelings of anxiety, but it wasn't until college where I really learned about anxiety and how it can control your life. I've always dealt with performance anxiety. As a young student having to give presentations in front of the class, I would always wish for a sick day or a snow day when I was scheduled to present. It wouldn't cancel my turn, but push it off another day. I would try to be the last to go hoping the "anxious" feelings in my stomach would subside, but they would only increase with every student that went before me. I then tried to be one of the first to go, to get it over with. This helped but those feeling were still present. I would stand in front of the class and no matter how well I memorized my projects I would feel it all slip from my mind. My mouth would get dry and I would pace my eyes back and forth around the room, watching every student just stare at me. Once the presentation was finally over I would let out a sigh of relief and sit back down. I always got a good grade, but to me the anxiety of the presentation was not worth the A or B I would receive, and if it was a low grade I would feel defeated. One would also think that me, someone with anxiety, would never perform on stage in front of a crowd of strangers if I couldn't stand in from of a room of peers. Well wrong. I played instruments my whole childhood (clarinet, saxophone, and guitar), and also joined my middle school and high school dance activity. I participated in EVERY talent show throughout my whole middle school and high school years with the dance groups or playing an instrument. Also had yearly concerts with the band in middle school. With every performance I would hope the feelings of anxiety would decrease, but I was always wrong. I would be so confident up until the week before and then Boom, racing thought, heart pounding, cant sleep and stressed all over again. I would constantly ask myself "Why do you do this to yourself over and over. I need to just say no to getting on stage," but inside I loved being in front of a crowd, I loved performing and seeing people enjoy what ever talent it was that I was sharing with them. I couldn't let my anxiety win.

In high school, I joined debate and I was part of my High Schools DECA/marketing team. What this meant for me was more presentations and more people staring at me over and over. My DECA team won first place all three years in state competition. I would so desperately wanted my team mates to do the whole presentation themselves due to my anxiety but I was always the leader. I always wanted things my way and others were always asking me for advice and help. I couldn't just hide in the back and pretend I didn't need to do anything. I started noticing that people looked to me for guidance and for someone to lead them, not what I was expecting. This continued throughout high school.

College is where I had a rude awakening. I was always a social butterfly but I truly began to notice these anxious feeling every time I walked into a room. I don't know if it had to do with being at a new school with much more expectations then high school, or all the strangers I was now thrown into the mix with. When I first went into college I wanted to be a teacher, but after doing horrible in my first 2 intro teaching classes and the though of standing in front of a class all day, everyday, I knew that was not my calling. I ended up taking an into psych class in order to take a class I was actually interested in, Drugs and Society. I was fascinated by psychology from the first meeting of the class. I knew now I wanted to be a substance abuse counselor. Luckily in college we were not required to give oral presentations and I had also geared away from talent shows and other activities while in college. This was partly from my anxiety but also a loss of drive in myself. Classes were tough and my anxiety continued regardless of how much I enjoyed my peers or the course topic. Participation was crucial in each class, and a huge part of our grades, so this too sent my anxiety upward. The hardest classes came when I had to internship and also "fish bowl" during class. For those who don't know what a fish bowl performance is, its when you sit in the middle of the class and take turns being counselor and patient. No matter which role I was, I was anxious on the verge of panic attack. I also pushed through it but calming down after became harder and harder. I had a great teacher and the class was small but I could not get over my anxiety. I started to not want to go to school or even go to my internship due to having to run groups. Finally it was last semester before graduation. My attendance in some classes wasn't great but I excelled in my psych classes the best I could. I was happy with my achievement of graduating with double bachelors, but my anxiety struggle was not over.

In between achieving my goals there were many outside struggles that created a lot of anxiety for me. Difficult relationships center around substance problems which lead to financial problems. I was barely making it by. I held all that in and made it look like everything was perfect. Inside I was crying. Every one was so proud of me for graduating, and finding a good job, and all I could think about was silencing the thoughts in my head. I had no one I trusted enough to talk to about my problems without feeling like i'd be judged or pushed away. My anxiety did not help with this problem either. To this day I wish I had reached out to some of my friends for help. While I am open with people who are close to me today, it still takes a while before I feel comfortable enough sharing. The first full time jobs I could find after graduating were residential treatment jobs which were stressful and very difficult at times due to having to restrain patients and dealing with hostile adolescents. I wasn't sure how much longer I'd be able to go on with panic attacks at work. Finally I spoke with my doctor about meds for my anxiety in order to work. Always Benzos. Apparently that is always the solution. PRN for panic, but what about the rest of the time I'm anxious.

It got to the point where things had to change. I made lifestyle changes, got on an every day medication, and found the job I had went to school to do, being a substance abuse counselor. I was finally happy. I was starting to build a friend group of diverse people, who accepted me and helped me push myself to be the person I wanted to be. I started being more social again and meeting new people. I went out to new places without feeling like I was dying. The anxiety was improved with the help of medication and good support. My relationship of two years ended and I was okay with that, I had been unhappy for a bit and knew that too needed to change. I was finally finding myself. Anxiety was still there, but I was open about it now with those that cared to listen and wanted to listen at that.

I've now found a great guy who has been with me for three years now. He accepts me for me but hates my anxiety. Many don't understand anxiety or were not allowed to have anxiety. While the "white" culture is full of anxiety and taking meds to "fix things," many cultures such as the Asian culture do not use anxiety as excuse and refuse medications for things like this. A couple years into my relationship I decided I didn't need medication to "fix" my anxiety and wanted to take control of myself and my feelings. I took the step to wean myself off my RX Zoloft (don't recommend taking self off meds unless you speak with doctor first). Coming off the meds was harder then dealing with the anxiety. At this point I knew I never wanted to be on meds for anxiety again. After getting through the horrible two weeks of no meds after being on them for a while, I was finally starting to feel better.

Its now been less then a year off medication for my anxiety and at times it is hard. I still have many of the same anxious feelings when going out in public or having to "perform" in any way in front of people, but I tell myself the feeling will go away in a minute. I will always try to start a conversation with a friendly face to calm my nerves or try to think of positive things instead of my heart racing. At times I wish that my anxiety would just stop, so I will tell it too. You wouldn't let someone who was constantly annoying you keep annoying you right? You would tell them to stop. Just the mere word "stop" will distract your mind from the focus on anxiety enough to pause your thoughts. That's your moment to use a positive thought and to take deep breath. I know you hear over and over, deep breathing is key. Well, have you tried it when having an anxious moment? It does work. Also, I have found one friend in particular, that no matter, what is always willing to listen. When I am feeling anxiety to the point I want to break, I call her and tell her exactly what is bothering me. Sometimes it takes just talking it out with to calm yourself. There is no easy fix. Medications, while they do help short term, shouldn't be the only solution. Find ways to that work for YOU! Things that will work will not be found over night, but when you do find what works for you, it will be as if you found the light at the end of the tunnel. This is what has motivated me to continue finding more ways to deal with my anxiety. Different situations need different solutions. Just because one thing calms you for this event, doesn't mean it will work for the next. Continue searching, learning , and face your anxiety. Don't be afraid to be honest with yourself and others about your anxious feelings. 9 out of 10 will tell you they are just as anxious as you are at that moment or were in the past. This will also help you find new ways to deal with it.

While this is my first time sharing this stuff with the public, it has flooded my mind with so many other thoughts I want to share. I hope by sharing I can help at least one person. I am always willing to lend an ear to anyone who wants to talk and needs help, or who just wants to share there story. This story is only just a piece of me and I am ready to explore more and share more with those who care to listen. I know I may not capture everyone's attention, but for those that I do, I am grateful.