Everything I Need to Hear Right Now

I'm sorry. I'm sorry you don't get to hear that enough. I'm sorry for the people who have done you wrong and gotten away with it. I'm sorry for the stranger who yelled at you for no reason. I'm sorry I didn't stand up for you more when I needed you to. I'm sorry everything feels so heavy right now, it doesn't seem fair to me, either. I'm sorry most times you feel lost and helpless, I wish I knew how to fix that. I'm sorry I let those people walk all over you, you are not a doormat anymore. I'm sorry you haven't been yourself and nobody's noticed, but most of all, I'm sorry I haven't noticed.

I love you. I love you and you are doing a great job. I am loyal to you and I value what you think. You are above everyone and everything else in my eyes. I cherish everything about you—the way you look, the things you do, the way you think, the people you hang out with. I do not give you enough credit and I am sorry for that, you deserve so much more. I love you and I know you are in control. I know that you create your own reality and because of that, I have confidence in knowing that you will be okay.

You are so strong. I think that the world is harsh and even though it is harsh and unfair sometimes, you still choose love even after all the bullshit. You try and try and try—for people, things, yourself, your future—and you know what? Most times, it doesn't work out, and it fucking SUCKS. It sucks so badly you question why you even keep going. You want to walk out of work, cry, throw things, yell, scream, anything you can to feel alive and in control. But you are strong, so you won't. Keep pursuing love, dear self. Someday your struggle will make sense.

Do not let that person make you feel bad. I don't care if they are family, boyfriend/girlfriend, your best friend, even a stranger—you do not let what they say hurt you or make you feel any less valid. Because you are valid and you are worthy of your own voice and opinions and feelings. Please don't let your boyfriend be disrespectful towards you, you are way too good for that. You have so much to offer and your heart is made of gold. They are lucky to have you. Please don't let your mom control your actions to the point of paralyzation. Your way is the right way and you are learning as you go—don't let others hinder your process. Smile confidently knowing that YOU are 100 percent doing the right things in your own way that doesn't need validation from anyone.

Your effort is not in vain. I know you put in so much work. You try so hard. Everything you are doing feels like its not worth anything, you feel like people take money from you like your handing it out on Halloween, all while your work is not paying you enough to do physical labor. Your time is spent on other people, trying to appease and make time for everyone. Your energy is spent trying to be okay with where you are and/or trying to get to where you're going. Always trying, trying, trying. Nobody's handing you anything and nobody is giving you credit. I see you. I know you are doing great and I give you credit. You are a badass motherfucker who gets things done, despite consistently being put down.

You will find purpose. Even though you might argue with me on this right now, you are well on your way to figuring it out. Keep the faith and trust in yourself, we've already established that you're doing the best that you can. Its okay to feel lost and it's okay that you don't know what direction you're going yet, maybe you need to make a pit stop on your way to where you're going, maybe you stumble on something completely new. You will fulfill your purpose and you will make it.

Do not kill yourself. At the end of the day, that person wouldn't be sorry. Your efforts are not in vain. You have purpose. There is so much more to life than this place in time with so much pain. This nasty, horrible, heavy-ass feeling of anxiety and depression is hanging over you, making you question everything and everyone. Look at how strong you are, dear self. Look at how far you've come and tell me that was easy. Your pain would be passed on, not ended. Don't kill yourself. If nothing else, stay alive for your dog.