Eyes of the Beholder

Isn't it funny how we can put on nice clothes, comb our hair, put on makeup and suddenly we look all put together. It’s crazy because underneath all of that I still feel flawed. People look at me and they think I’ve got it all put together. My Instagram is filled with filtered pictures because without one I feel like my skin isn't clear enough. I feel like my eyes don't look bright enough. I love being me then some days I hate being me. Constantly comparing myself to other women trying to figure out why I wasn’t born with this or that. It's deeper than that. I once read that when placed in a room, women look at others to make sure she’s the prettiest in the room. How terrible is that? Sad to say that I’ve done it multiple times before. Maybe because someone buried the idea that I was ugly in my head before I could make my own opinion about myself. Maybe I’m just not that appealing as I would hope to be. Either way, society has conformed our minds into thinking we have to have a certain look. Well, quite frankly, I’m over it. I cant deal with pressure to constantly change my look to be defined as beautiful. I’m ready to write my own kind of beautiful.

I thought that at this point in life my self-esteem would be superior. But, at last, I was wrong. I still find it hard to look at myself and not find a flaw. One day my skin is too dark, my stomach too fat, and hair too coil-y. Maybe it started with experiences from middle school. I was only 12 when I was stripped of the beauty of my own self-image. I was called the “ugly Mariah” there was another girl named Mariah, obviously. She was biracial and beautiful. I felt as though my coco brown skin, tight curls, and awkward body was no match for her olive skin, loose curls, and perfect body. If that wasn’t enough the boy I was madly in love with at the time told me he didn’t want to date me because he was embarrassed of me. Sounds silly, now? But, can imagine being young and already yourself imagine had been shattered?

From there on I grew up very self-conscious about my body image. I ended up starving myself at one point but that’s for a different post. It’s just crazy how we let other opinions affect us and how much long-term effect it has on us. If I was showered in compliments... I can only imagine the confidence I’d have now.

There is power in the tongue. The Bible says it’s one of the most powerful things. Words cut like daggers. If only the perpetrators knew how much they were doing. If only they knew when I turned 17 I'd only be eating one meal a day... if only. But, they didn’t, and I suffered the consequences of their words.

My fiancé thinks I’m beautiful and it’s sad because sometimes it’s hard for me to accept his words of love because of my own self-hate. Now I’m learning today how to fall in love with self-image. Because there is nobody else on earth who looks like me. That’s pretty rad. I’m figuring out that if I’m not happy with my weight then I can eat healthier options. That’s probably the better opinion than starving myself. We have the capability to change little things that don’t please us. I know I’m not the only woman or man who goes through this. Just wanted to share my own personal thoughts and feelings.

Be blessed.

Xoxo