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Falling in Love with Bipolar Pt.1

My Journey and Challenges with Bipolar

By Renee McGowenPublished 6 years ago 9 min read
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Every girl dreams of her Prince Charming, usually envisioning tall, dark, and handsome. Descriptions of this person normally lack the stability of his mental condition; however, psychology tells us that if a person is tall, dark, and handsome, the halo effect that we attribute to him will automatically include intelligence, wit, and mental stability. I have come to learn there is no perfect woman, so we have to assume that there is no perfect man. Once I realized my vision of "Prince Charming" seemed something of the sort from the movie Cinderella, I found my soulmate in a packaging much less than Disney Animation.

--WHERE EXACTLY DID YOU FIND YOUR PRINCE?

Believe it or not, he actually found me. I had no clue that this was going to be the man I married one day or that I would even fall in love with him at all. I was trapped in the revolving door of mental abuse. I was "in love" and stuck around to deal with the betrayal. This did not stop Josh from standing in the background. He always had the kindest and most encouraging words to combat the tears streaming down my face. Josh was patient and put in a lot of time to help me understand my worth. He was respectful of even my dumbest decisions and stood by me no matter what he may of really thought. I had never had a true friend. Josh changed that for me. I could depend on him to listen and I mean really listen to anything I had to say. I could tell him anything and he would never judge me. Josh was the first true friend to walk into my life and he stayed. He waited for the day that I came around. It was clear that he had grown fond of me, I just hadn't accepted the defeat of yet another failed relationship. He stayed consistent and the day came sooner rather than later when I grew the balls to stick it to my new ex-boyfriend and run my life freely without betrayal and feeling worthless. It was by far the best decision I had made up to that point in my life.

Only then did I truly realize that Josh was nothing like the other men who have visited in my lifetime. Something was so different about him. Now unlike Cinderella, I did not put on the missing shoe and move into the kingdom's castle with Prince Charming. I actually became homeless. In order to set myself free, I lived in my car. I started seeing Josh going to the lake and pools, getting dinner, going out to play pool. I knew immediately this was the man I wanted to marry. Having him in my life for those few hours just felt right. It filled a void that no man has ever been able to fill. Some of you might be excited (Oh! love at first sight). Unfortunately, this took time, although he was incredibly gorgeous, tatted, and tall-enough-for me. His looks were just the icing on the cake. He had to prove to me he was different, that he cared about who I was as a person. Josh made me feel like I could be anything I wanted to be, but most importantly allowed me the pleasure of being myself. He was ridiculously charming and smooth, so by default I asked around about him. What did people know about him that I didn't? Was he nicer to me just to win me over or was this really Josh? People began to tell me stories about his "anger" or that they had heard stories about him having a short temper. These statements should of brought worry, but I didn't think much of them. It wasn't long before Josh decided to stay with me in my car just so I didn't have to be alone and he could keep me safe. (UH! Romantic right?) Well kind of. Josh had a job, a home, roommates, a girlfriend... oh I probably should have mentioned that. And yet he gave everything to stay with me, protect me.

I was starting college and scrounging change just to eat. I was getting hotels when I came up with enough cash and things were slowly working out. At least I thought they were. Despite all the downfalls of my life, I was happy. Things changed so quick and, thinking back, it's all such a blur. Josh finally lost it and I understood his frustration. He was depressed, though his life wasn't going much better than mine. Living with me at this point in my life... was... hard. Starving and having no steady place to live, not knowing what tomorrow will bring. All of it. Harder than most will ever come to know. He had decided to take a step back and go back to his place of living and his job. Who could blame him, I was a wreck. He ensured me he would be back, but he needed to get away for a while. I believed him of course, I could understand the stress he endured but he did not come back. Sadly, this story went nothing like a Disney Princess story, but I promise it does not end here. At the time, he thought it'd be easier for him to go back to his ex-girlfriend and their roommates and live life again without worry. I understood and by understood, I mean I cried. I hated him and by hate, I mean I loved that man so much I mentally had no idea what to do next. I didn't know how to get back on my feet, let alone how to get the only man who's ever made me feel this content in life... back.

Weeks passed, I contemplated my life, tried to move on. And what do you know... men... they always know when you're moments from letting the past go. Josh calls, asking to see me and standing in the rain after what most would have sympathy for, a bad breakup. I agreed to meet with him the next day at the hotel he would be staying at, I could only be understanding. A couple months ago I was sitting where he was. I was contemplating the relationship I was in and whether or not to take risks. The hotel door opened and it was like a magnetic force field is pulling me straight into him. I immediately want to kiss him, take off his clothes and call it even like some horrible Hollywood Romantic Comedy (The lady in me tells me to listen first). So we talk, like nothing ever happened. It doesn't feel like it's been weeks. Josh confided in me about his mother's death and asked me to help him in sending out some paperwork for the final settlement. Josh stood stiff at the post office. He was nervous and relieved to finally have closure. His hands were shaking. I wrote the address onto the front of the envelope, walked him to the outbox for post letters, held his hand, and pushed it into the box. He exhaled briefly, "Thank you, I couldn't have done this without you." I swear I try to avoid feeling like a school girl when it comes to him, but it's impossible. The butterflies filled my stomach and I fell quite instantly head-over-heels for him like we never left each other's side. I dropped him back at his room and left. I know, I know. Where's the horse ride into the sunset? We'll get there, I promise. We kept touch the next few days... kind of. I began to feel obsessive. I, at no point, believed he wanted the same things that I did. I had one opportunity to find out. Josh mentioned going to Iowa for the final settlement for his mother's death. He mentioned his brothers and how he hadn't seen them and would really love to. So I jumped with it. I sent him a text "I have the money to take you up to Iowa if you still want to go." He replied quickly (Thank God!) "When?" I told him, well we could leave the next morning. Josh agreed and I picked him up bright and early at the hotel. Off we went to Iowa.

The trip to Iowa was no different than any other couple traveling anywhere. We were excited to be around each other and took photos at every state line. We shared laughs and sang at the top of our lungs. It was oddly... romantic. No one knew that I left the state. I just left. I ran away with the man of my dreams. I found out many secrets during that 20 hour trip, but fate would have it we decided to keep them in the past. Starting over made sense. I learned more and more about Josh, including what might of been a shock at the time. Josh was clinically bipolar. I did not fully understand what that meant at the time. I didn't know what rollercoasters were ahead of me or even how hard it was to actually accept. But, it made so much sense when I looked back on it. The spirit that I saw in this man as he dealt with his bipolar disorder was unshakable. The number one reason that I stuck around is that no matter how he felt biologically that day, his service to other people never wavered. He gave the same to everyone, whether he was feeling well that day or not. It was then that I learned the true nature of the holy spirit and that our bodies are truly just vessels for a much higher energy.

This is not to say that our relationship would live without any problems, of course. Watching Josh overcome his mental weaknesses in order to live a successful life, let alone relationship with me the way he does, takes quite a toll on me. I became his main support, his ride or die, and at times his mental punching bag.

It's difficult to try to explain to my best friends from childhood that he truly does not mean to make me cry at family occasions and during holidays. Some of the things that he says while depressed are the exact same things that one of a physically abusive husband would say to their wife. Explaining his mental weaknesses to those who don't understand the chemical imbalance in his brain is like trying to convince a liberal that conservatives are not wrong. His family will never understand why I stick around to "deal with him" and even those of you reading this probably thinking I am letting love blind me and that I may be in some very serious physical danger. Believe me when I say, this social pressure is an incredibly hard ship to sail, because while someone with bipolar is depressed, the things that they say may resemble abuse. If a "mentally healthy" person said these things, it would be abuse, no discrepancies.

This leaves me to focus on the differences between dating someone with a mental illness and dating someone who is abusive, found in Pt.2

bipolar
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