Fat Girl

She sits in a dimly lit room while in a death like trance. The blue light of her laptop illuminates her bored eyes. There is music playing. She listens to notes of a piano, beautiful however mellow and dark. Similar to the music a main character in a Gothic movie or book would enjoy. The only difference is that she is not in a movie. Nor is she the main character of a book. She is too distasteful and this is real life. She is overweight and her hair is not brushed or washed. The girl has not slept at night in months. She doesn’t have a special style of clothing. No, she is wearing a pink sweater and shorts. Her legs are not shaved and her nails are not trimmed. She is no good. The tapping of the keyboard in front of her is the only noise aside from the music playing on Spotify. It is an application you can download to your cellphone, tablet, or laptop that streams various music from around the world. She is writing to absolutely nobody. The only light in the room in a dim lamp aside of her. Her desk is a giant cardboard box covered with a black sheet and her chair is a metal framed bed by a window. Winter is coming so it is dark already.

Suicide is often on the girl’s mind. She is lonely and disgusted with herself. She will eventually get up and eat a meal big enough for three. Then she will feel guilty and disgusting. She is disgusting. She eats to fill a hole that has no bottom. There are easy answers. She reads about them online. “How to deal with depression.” She screenshots the list of things one must do and sets it as her desktop background hoping it will wake her up. When she fails to do simple things she hates herself. The disgust in herself is strong. All she has to do is call and make an appointment; get up early, eat healthy, and exercise. Why can’t she do these things? Why won't she do these things!? It used to be easy! She gets in the shower after neglecting to wash her hair for a week. She smells bad. Her breath smells horrible. Instead of washing herself she stares at a bottle of pills. Then she sits in the hot water until it gets cold wondering why she is so scared. She goes to sleep at four in the morning and doesn’t get up until the following afternoon. She has been wearing the same clothes for a week. Without changing her clothes she opens her laptop and looks blankly at the screenshot she left for herself. “1. Get up early.” It is already five p.m. She closes the laptop and lies back down sleeping for another few hours. When she wakes up she lies there for about an hour. Her cats are sleeping on her feet and it is dark out now. She opens her laptop again. After staring at it blankly she closes it. She goes into the kitchen and it is a pigsty. She feels negative. The kitchen always used to be spotless. She used to be a neat freak. She used to exercise every morning and night and eat healthy. She used to be happy and thin. She was clean and so where her surroundings. There are fruit flies hovering over the sink. She does the same things every day. Her life is a broken record. “You are lazy,” she says to herself. She sits on the dirty floor. “You are a failure,” she says through gritted teeth. “I hate you,” she cries to herself. “THE SOLUTION IS SO SIMPLE,” she whimpers. “Why?…Why can’t you just..get….up…..?”