Fear of Living Past 20

Growing old is a natural part of living. The older you get, the more you accept to love your wrinkles, gray hairs and squishy ears. During these times, you can cuddle your grandchildren, play bingo, and sleep as much as you'd like. Growing old is also very scary for some people and is actually a lot of people’s greatest fear.

I first learned about the fear of growing old through my boyfriend. When I first met my best friend, we would talk all night about the things that were going on in our lives. Getting to know each other baby steps at a time. We both were going through a tough breakup with 2 year relationships and we would just talk about how it was toxic and how it changed us as people. Things we’d discuss at night were things about good music, favorite shows, and things that make us laugh. Initially, these moments of talking orbited around really positive objectives.

Something that came about in our conversations the more we began to hang out and get closer was something terrifying that was created in his previous relationship. Things were apparently so bad inside his relationship, that he described it as being inside a prison and decided that he wanted to join the military when he turned 18 and die at war. He didn’t want to be around anytime past age twenty.

I came to understand that a lot of his decision was created by how insanely controlling this girl was over his life, the things he did and how she threatened him if he wanted to leave. He was only allowed to have his friends around once a month, he couldn't talk to girls let alone give his pets a girl's name, things as insane as this. If any of this was disobeyed, she would scare him by threatening suicide and banging on his window at night to scream insanely, come in and hit him. I was told that in more recent times that because of this, he was also afraid to grow old. I couldn’t help but wonder how on Earth any of this fit together, but I do understand P.T.S.D. How he explained his thoughts made me really think about this entire situation on a much deeper level.

The way he explained this to me was basically, “Why do we just live life so that we can one day wake up to just die?” His idea of life was that we were just living to die so there is no point. Other times, he explains the scenario as, “Well, what if one day I wake up next to you and you’re just dead?” Many times he says, “I’m afraid of the image of being old.”Of course this breaks my heart because I’m not sure how to make all of this alright. To me, growing old is all part of life, so how do I come to make life make more sense for him?

Naturally, my plan is to live life until I’m old and die surrounded by my loved ones because I know that I did all that I could, and that I lived a good life. To him, that just sounds terrible and that’s not the plan he had sought out for. That’s not the life he wants. He doesn’t want a life at all. Each and every day he just looks at himself as though tomorrow he’s going to die. It’s such a scary thing to think about and I worry for him often.

I thought there was nothing I could do to reverse the damage that has been done, but he showed me something incredible. Incredible changes.

One night in the car, we remained parked next to my house talking about it. I asked him to promise me not to leave. Not to just go off and die somehow, to stay strong and that I promise I would help him see that his life is worthwhile and that when it comes to growing up he would have been so happy that he stayed to see his children with his wife to see his life the way it was. When he said he couldn’t promise me, but he’ll try, I burst into tears. Anybody who knows me well knows that I don’t just cry. He above anyone understood this and only replied with true honesty.

He calmed me down and explained that he just wanted to take the easy way out and die at war. That he already had a plan to give his brother his car and leave all of his money to his family. He couldn’t fathom the thought of aging. The pain that comes from living was terrifying to him. I had so much pain in my chest from hearing this, but then his words surprised me.

He said to me, “but since I met you and became your friend… everything has changed.” Of course, I looked up at him and gave him the look like “what do you mean?” I wasn't sure if he was saying this to comfort me, or if he really meant it so I continued to listen.

Explaining himself, he said, “I couldn’t see myself having any future. I couldn’t possibly see myself older than twenty. But since I met you, I see myself in tomorrow. A home, a wife… a life. All of my plans have changed.” Although he didn’t know what to do next, he had a mind for the future. I have never felt so elated in my life. I just squeezed him tight and thanked him for telling me everything he did. It’s so hard for him to talk to anyone, it was incredible that he opened up to me like that and told me about his fears. Knowing that I helped him change his mind makes me feel so good. I'm not sure what I would have done if anything bad had happened to him, he's important.

He did end up going for the physical exams to be enrolled into the military, which unfortunately he failed. Although this is terrible to say, I was happy that they denied him entry. Though I was upset for him, I was certain I would lose him forever. The greatest friend I've ever had. There's still a way for him to apply, but he told me he doesn't want to because he'd rather stay and make a life for himself after he graduates this year. Nothing has made me feel so relived.

It’s still a scary situation to me today, but at least I know that there is hope for a future and that he doesn’t want to die before twenty anymore. I learned how important it is to talk about these things to people around us. If someone you know is having early signs of suicidal thoughts or mentions fear of growing old, please get into it with them. Maybe all they need is a loving hand or advice. A reason to stay, anything.

Please reference to the image at the beginning for the National Suicide Hotline number if you or anybody you know could use support.

Stay strong, live on.