Feeling Disconnected

Do you ever feel disconnected? Do you ever feel like the world is moving without you? Like you're there but not really present? I do.

Life is hard. It's constant. It never stops. Highs and lows, and everything in between. It's downright exhausting. The pressures of daily life combined with bad mental health can be brutal. I'm pretty anxious, right, and that combined with working a 9 to 5 job can be tough. In our cruel Capitalist society, hard work is valued above all else, and it can be seen as lazy or unproductive to stop and... take a break. Whilst you can go away for a weekend or take a break, you can't really drop everything and just go, these things have to be planned. But anxiety and poor mental health isn't on anyone's schedule. It's always early, an unwanted party guest who turns up and causes trouble.

Anxiety is different to feeling depressed. When I'm anxious I feel like i'm not really there, it's very difficult for me to make decisions. I don't necessarily feel sad it's just that everything is... hard. It's hard to concentrate, hard to communicate, hard to focus. It can sometimes feel like your brain is going a million miles an hour and there's nothing you can do but ride the storm. I feel like everyone is watching me and every movement I make is being judged. I have this terrible habit of picking the skin around my thumbs and I notice I do it so much more when I'm anxious, or in a nerve wracking situation. I almost use it as a way of monitoring my anxiety: if I haven't picked in a long time, things are good!

Feeling disconnected is the hardest thing about anxiety. I don't feel present sometimes. I feel distant, like I'm not in the moment, stuff is happening but I'm not really there. The world is going on around me and I'm not a part of it. I don't want to miss things, I want to be able to enjoy a great night, but sometimes anxiety can hinder that. It's hard to pretend everything is fine, it's hard to ignore feelings of anxiety or depression. And it's very difficult to talk about them.

Although it seems like it's getting better, mental health stigma is still a very real thing and people often don't speak about their struggles through fear of not being taken seriously. Unfortunately, there are people who don't value mental health as much as physical health, when it's of equal importance. They intertwine massively, looking after your physical health does wonders for your mental health. Regular exercise has improved my mental health tremendously. I cannot recommend enough the importance of having a fitness routine and sticking to it. Just 10 mins a day is all that's needed. It makes you feel so good and provides such clarity. My relationship with exercise is going to be a separate post where I'll talk about this more, and I'll also do a post on my self care tips — but for now I really think exercise needs to be a focus when it comes to self care.

It's strange how I can have some days filled with so much anxiety and then other days I'm fine. I can feel really agitated and unable to think straight one day and then feel completely clear headed and focused another day. It's bizarre and it's confusing and it's exhausting. It does make me cherish the good days more though. I'm so motivated and I get so much done! I always think: wouldn't it be so nice to feel like this all the time? I would be so much more productive. I love it when I do feel in the moment. When I'm present and aware of a wonderful experience that's happening to me, or equally a terrible one. Being able to experience both and really feel them is so important to me.

I'm determined to not let anxiety and depression rule my life, and writing about them is one of the ways I self-medicate.