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Lately, it's started to feel harder and harder to be happy. On one of the nights where it felt especially hard to continue on, I wrote myself a letter—a summary of emotion, if you will. I don't want to always feel like this, one day I hope I won't. In the meantime though, I'm going to work on myself, work through my problems, and eventually get to where I need to be.
I hate myself.
I hate everything about myself.
I hate my smile, I hate my body, I hate my existence. And most of all, I hate that I hate my existence.
I’m able-bodied, I have access to food and clean water. I live in a developed country and I have access to free speech and democracy. And yet, when it’s the wee hours of the night or the early hours of the morning, I can’t help but hate the fact I was ever born.
I wasn’t always like this, so emotionally out-of-control, but I hate that I’m like this now.
I hate that, despite how lucky I am, it’s starting to feel like most days are spent wishing I was dead. Not living.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I feel like everyone hates me, like everyone wishes I’d just leave them alone, like everyone wishes I just weren’t here. I liked to think there’s a reason for everything, and yet, I can’t seem to find the reason for me.
Why am I here? Why do I exist? If I wasn’t, everyone’s life would be so much better.
I feel so alone, so much like I have to isolate myself so as not to annoy other people. They hate me. The don’t want me. They wished I’d leave them alone.
I’m awkward. I’m too kind. I’m not kind enough.
I’m emotional. I’m delusional. I’m too sane.
I don’t how to talk to people. I study how to talk to people. You can’t study how to talk to someone.
I seclude myself. I over-include myself.
Does anyone even want me here? Does anyone even like me?
Why did God make me? Why do I feel like this?
I don’t want to anymore. I truly don’t want to.
If I died right now, would anyone care? What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone like me?
Am I that horrible? Someone, anyone, please tell me.
If you don’t like me, don’t try to appease me. I can tell. Or at least I think I can.
There’s something wrong with my mind—there has to be.
I overthink everything. I don’t think enough. I cry too much. I don’t feel enough.
I’m going to die alone—no one could want me. I don’t even want myself.
There’s something wrong here. Why do I hate myself?
I wish I could just fade into the background and disappear. I wish my entire being had never happened.
I don't feel like this all the time, but when I do it can feel all-consuming. For those that feel the same way, I want you to keep this in mind:
- You are worth it.
- It will get better.
- You are loved. In fact, I love you.