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On February 21, 2018 I started a program to take back my life from my eating disorder. I had my ED for about a year without even realizing. I was so down on my body and thought the only way to change that was to make myself throw up. Throughout the years, I tried to restrict more and more — not allowing myself to have certain foods, and if I did making sure that I was purging right after. My mom eventually caught on, she asked and asked if I have ever purged and I told her that I would never do that. I began lying to myself. Just one more time, I told myself. I became depressed and didn’t want to go anywhere because if I did I would be forced to eat in front of people which is something that made me feel very uncomfortable. I truly believed that I had it under control. I weighed myself multiple times throughout the day and would lie to my mom about it. I began to feel more and more dizzy and felt ashamed of the way I looked. I felt more depressed and felt like I was lying to the people I loved. I had completely shut down.
Finally I broke down in the car with my mom I told her everything. She told me that she would help me fight this battle and that I wasn’t alone. I felt so ashamed, like I had let her down, like I was such a burden. She told me that I had an appointment to go to an eating disorder program. I didn’t let any of my friends know and only certain family members were allowed to know.
The first day of program was really rough. I obviously knew no one so I felt like an outcast and I had so much anxiety. I barely ate any of the meals and was really dizzy. Days passed and I began eating less and less. Finally my mom started taking things away from me so I began to eat more. But something that comes with eating all meals is purging a lot more. I couldn’t do it throughout the day at program so my mind told me if I couldn’t do it throughout the day then I had to do it twice as much at night. I felt like I was under so much pressure to get better. I wanted to make my mom happy but I knew that I wouldn’t get better unless I wanted to and I didn’t. As the days passed I began to see that what I was doing wasn’t healthy. I saw multiple adults that had eating disorders and they looked so unhealthy and had lost a lot of hair. I decided that I wasn’t going to let ED take control of me not anymore. I wanted to take my life back. It wasn’t going to be easy, and I knew that. There were certain days that took my an hour to finish a meal. But then there were days when I felt so good and it was easy to eat. I’m still trying to get rid of my eating disorder fighting like hell to fully have control over my life. I’m not ashamed anymore. I know that with the help of my family and friends, I can destroy my disorder and come back stronger than ever. I'm not sharing this story to get attention or to get special treatment, I’m sharing my story to show other people with eating disorders that they are not alone. No matter how scared and ashamed you are there’s always someone out there to support you. When you feel trapped and hopeless like you’ll never get better. Remember that you’ll make it out of this. It won’t be easy but eventually with time and support you will make it out. You will survive. #FUED #fEDup