Finding Hope

For as long as I can remember, depression has played a huge part in my life. Not because I wanted it to, or because I let it, but because of the chemical imbalance taking place inside my brain. I honestly don't remember when my diagnosis switched from "depression" to "major depressive disorder." When I was 19, I was told I not only had major depression, but that my depression was refractory, or treatment resistant. No amount of anti-depressants could cure the sadness I felt on a daily basis. By 21, I had five suicide attempts, five inpatient hospitalizations, and one two-week stay at a residential facility, all within a 6-year timeline.

Nothing seemed to help. The medications I took for my Bipolar II disorder helped me keep my mood swings under control, but didn't help with the intense feelings of sadness I dealt with. After fighting this depression for over six years, I had given up hope that I would ever find relief. I was willing to accept the fact that I would never get better and that I would never find long-lasting happiness.

About a year ago, my psychiatrist mentioned Ketamine injections. I was confused at first. Ketamine, like Special K? A street drug? He couldn't be serious. But he was. At first, my family and I decided to try other medications, and we weren't 100% on board with the fact that my doctor would be injecting me with Ketamine. When used as a therapeutic drug, Ketamine is very expensive. But after a year of trying medications that were unsuccessful, my fifth suicide attempt, and the quality of my life decreasing with every intense episode of depression, we decided to take a leap of faith.

The day of my first treatment, I was terrified. I was worried about the potential side effects: dizziness, dissociations, possible hallucinations, and more. I just kept telling myself that if the treatment works, then I would be ok with dealing with the side effects. That day, I went in with an open mind. Though ketamine is successful in decreasing intense feelings of sadness and suicidal thoughts in about 80% of patients, I also knew that I was classified with having treatment-resistant depression. I went in hoping for the best, but also with the realization that this may not work for me. When I got to my doctor's office, he had me fill out a depression rating scale. My score tallied up to 27, with 32 being the highest you can get. The higher the number, the more severe your depression is. It was clear that my depression was continuing to get worse, and that taking the steps to follow through with this treatment is what was in my best interest.

The way the treatment worked was that I would have six injections in two weeks, so three injections a week for two weeks. Ketamine is also used as an anesthetic, so when I have these treatments, they make me really tired, and I have to lie down in a treatment room for about an hour and a half, or until the side effects wear off and I'm able to leave. Because it's an anesthetic, I can't drive for the remainder of the day after an injection, and someone has to be there to take me home. Ketamine is fast acting, and my doctor told me that if I didn't see improvement after the first or second treatment, we wouldn't proceed with any following treatments.

Like I said, I went in with an open mind, hoping for the best but expecting the worst. When I woke up after the first treatment, I could already feel the effects. I wasn't as depressed, I felt "lighter" in a sense, that I wasn't carrying as much of a burden on my shoulders. Don't get me wrong, I was still dealing with major depression, but I was able to find hope in the fact that I would get better. After my first six treatments, I retook the depression scale test. This time, my score was a 9. A number that was so low that I didn't think would ever be achievable—the lowest number I had seen in 6 years. I finally had hope.

Ketamine is not a cure-all. It has alleviated my major depression immensely, but I do still struggle with depression, just not on the same scale that I had two months ago. I no longer have several treatments a week; I've moved down to one treatment a month, and will probably continue with that for about a year. Ketamine is still being researched, and there isn't a whole lot of research on how long patients should stay on the injections, or if there will be any lasting side effects.

From doing these injections, I found hope. I now look forward to the future and what the future will bring me. I have hope that I will be successful in my future endeavors such as school and pursuing a career in the medical field, something I've always dreamed of doing. I'm finally able to enjoy my days and find joy in the things that I love again, such as writing. As a nanny, work was difficult for a long time. It was hard to put a smile on for the kids that I watch and to always be present in the moment and not lost in sadness. But now, I love my job more than I could have ever imagined. I don't have to put on a fake smile for the kids I watch, and I'm able to thoroughly enjoy my time with them.

I'm able to enjoy the time I have with my friends again. I don't dread waking up in the morning; I have the motivation to get back into the gym and go out with my friends more. I don't struggle with suicidality as much as I did two months ago, and even my anxiety has gotten better. I have my life back. The life that I had when I was little before mental illness reared its ugly head in. I'm finding joy in the little things, I don't spend all my free time in bed, and best of all, I'm happy. Not the fake happy I portrayed for so long; I'm actually happy.

I'm not going to lie, when I first started feeling true happiness again, it was weird. It was uncomfortable and kind of scary. I hadn't felt this kind of happy for a really long time. I'm not saying I was never happy before I started these treatments, but this was a different happy. This was a true happiness, not a happy that I faked for my friends and family. I was also terrified of being happy. Every time I felt happy before these treatments, it wouldn't last, and I would feel even worse after every "fall." I was scared that this happiness that I felt would be short-lived. But it wasn't. I finally found and felt lasting happiness. I still get sad, but it's not as burdensome.

I finally look forward to my future, whatever it holds. I have hope again. Something that I thought I lost years ago. I'm learning to love life, not just live it. Ketamine isn't for everyone, but it worked for me. It's giving me my life back, even though I never thought I'd be truly happy again. Every day is still a struggle; I still struggle with depression, but not on the level I did just two months ago. I'm grateful my family was able to help make this treatment possible, and I'm grateful these treatments are not just giving me hope, but giving me my life back.

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