Finding My Joy

Vision is getting hazy, speech is becoming slower, and heart rate is increasing. Forehead starts to sweat and body is heating up and can't control movements. Out of nowhere, panic is starting to sink in and can't seem to find an exit out of this room as there are too many people around. Take a drink of water as throat starts to feel as if it is closing up. Start taking some deep breaths and keep looking down so no one notices that something is amiss. Just keep breathing and everything will be OK.

This is the way that anxiety hits me out of the blue when I am out and about trying to enjoy myself out in the world. There are no signs that tell me that this is going to happen in time for me to try and control it and so it takes over my body and there is nothing I can seem to do to get out of it. The symptoms are so overwhelming that I cannot control them and I get so embarrassed that I am even going through that and that I cannot be a 'normal' person when I go out with friends. It is an ongoing part of me.

The constant stress and pressure we face when all we want to do is just be happy. Why are we as humans incapable of doing the things that makes us happy? I'm constantly searching for that joy, that moment when you wake up in the morning and you can't wait to get the day started. Just always ready to meet life head on because you know that you will do something you enjoy.

I am someone who has been plagued by that silent feeling in my heart and loud voice in my head that keeps me anxious about so many things that most people don't even think about. This makes the art of finding my joy so much more difficult as it becomes harder and harder to carry out normal every day tasks. I have been living with anxiety for about five years now and as with most things in life, there are good days and bad days. In times of stress, my anxiety becomes so much more prevalent that I find it very hard to do normal social activities that I normally enjoy with friends. I become so stifled with anxious feelings and thoughts that I cannot venture out or if I do, I have to leave early just because I feel as though I cannot cope in an environment with so many different people.

Living in London makes my anxiety a lot harder sometimes and for a long time, I found it very difficult to get around as I had a debilitating fear of getting around on the underground. This was a fear that I had to conquer very quickly because it makes it very difficult to get around the city otherwise.

This is an ongoing battle that I am trying to conquer and so continues my journey to finding that elusive joy.

I'm trying to take time and try to figure out what it is I really enjoying doing and try and spend some time doing those things, no matter how uncomfortable this makes me. It's time to find that joy again. I believe that I have lost a part of myself these past few years but I am taking steps into trying to better my situation. Every day is a struggle as I cannot predict when the anxiety will hit but by God, I am trying.

Being an anxiety ridden adult can try and sap all that joy out of us but I won't let it hold me down anymore.