Finding Strength

I plan to use this blog as sort of a way to channel some of my thoughts and experiences, in the hopes of connecting with others who feel and experience the same things that I have and still do.

I moved schools this past year, I packed up my life down in the states as I knew it and moved to Victoria, BC in August of 2016. I was a student-athlete down at The Ohio State University, and I was in a sense, "Living The Dream." I was on the DI Varsity field hockey team, and walking around campus, everyone knew who was an athlete and who wasn't.

We got hooked up with all sort of Nike gear, the latest shoes, jackets, and hoodies etc. Free sticks and gear, free books, and for those of us on scholarship, most of if not all, of our tuition fees and rent for housing, were paid for. What more could you ask for?

We got to ride team buses to away games, as well as take flights to new states to play teams in our Big10 Conference as well as other conferences. We were given money to spend at airports or restaurants of our choice; essentially, we were getting paid to play a sport that we loved. All of our meals were paid for, they really took care of us in that aspect. I thought this was the greatest thing ever, which now thinking about it, it was pretty great. But something that a lot of us don't realize is how it takes a toll on your mental health. If you're not keeping up a healthy lifestyle, your brain starts to shut down and your body reacts to that.

In my sophomore year (second year for my Canadian friends), I found myself hating everything. I hated going to practice, I started to not get along with some of my teammates, my sister, I was constantly fighting with my boyfriend (we did long distance and he was back home in Canada). I wasn't getting the playing time that I felt I deserved, so seeing my coaches at practice not even glance in my direction was just the cherry on top. I sought out help, I went to our team psychologist 2-3 times a week and vented. It did help me a tremendous amount, but in the end, I was always told that "sticking it out" and "pushing through it" will help me become a happier individual. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, and I felt my world was turning upside down.

I rarely went out to socialize with my friends, I would sleep for hours on end throughout the day, even right before practice. I failed running tests, I was always so exhausted of staying up and crying myself to sleep in my dark room, feeling heavy and useless throughout the day. I couldn't focus in class, all I thought about doing was going home to sleep. My diet changed and I didn't eat as much, which my strength coach was always on me for.

In practice I was harassed by my coaches, calling me out in front of everyone saying that I was "useless" and a "waste of space" out there. I had a meeting with them to fill them in on my medication and how my progression was, and all I got in return was that I need to "smile more" and was instructed to stop coming to practice "sad."

Nobody understood what I was going through. I couldn't even share with my twin sister, who was also on the team, because she was doing so well. A natural leader on the field, my sister was bound to be captain the following year (This year she was named captain which was a given) and I felt like that would hold her back if she had to worry about me all the time. This drove a wedge between us and we started to fight and rarely got along anymore.

This continued onto my junior year, again I worked hard during the summer at the gym getting fit for the dreaded preseason in August. I could lift and run and I was in the best shape of my life, but it was when I stepped foot on Buckeye Varsity Field that I began to feel faint. My chest would tighten up during run tests, my breathing was all over the map. Anxiety was kicking in real fast.

On top of all of this, this constant yelling and screaming from the coaching staff was enough for me to question why I was even there. I played a few games here and there, usually only a few minutes in each and I finally scored my first goal against Missouri State. I was on top of the world, I gained a bit of confidence back, I even received a "great job" from my head coach. This gave me hope, and gained the confidence to try really hard in practice the following week and was told to keep it up from all three of the coaches. That following weekend, I was benched again during the entire game. We watched video from our previous game, and all four other goals from that game were uploaded, except for mine.

I saw about 3 minutes of playing time since my goal and after that, I never played another game in my career. Having traveled every game since freshman year (not playing but at least I was on the travel squad), I was shocked to see my name not on the last travel squad list of the season. I immediately called my coach, absolutely bewildered. It was then that I was told that I had had a "bad attitude" at practice, and my "sadness was rubbing off on the other girls and it was a distraction to them."

As someone suffering from severe depression, this made me feel useless. I felt like a piece of shit. Being sad and being depressed were two completely different things, and my coach's insensitivity toward it made me absolutely angry. I was told to stay home that weekend, and to "take care of myself, and not be so down all the time."

Toward the end of the season, I missed an entire week of practice. The trainers could see that something was seriously wrong, so I was instructed to sit out for a week. I sat in our locker room every day during practice, with a head trainer. They thought I was in some serious trouble and knew something was going on in my head, and I was placed on "suicide watch."

Every day, I would be asked if I had been thinking any seriously bad thoughts about harming myself, and I did. Nothing was really done about it, they had forwarded my responses to the team psychologist but again I was just asked to talk about my feelings and how I felt that particular day. I felt that if I ended things, all of my problems would go away. Nobody would care if I was gone, nobody would notice if I wasn't at practice, since I was a "waste of space" anyways.

Little did I know, that that was my last weekend of being on the OSU field hockey team. I went home a few weeks later for Christmas, and I thought a lot about what I had gone through. Was all of this really worth being unhappy for? I talked a lot about it to my dad, who was there for me through it all. I still hadn't come to a conclusion of whether or not I wanted to stay for one more year and finish off my degree at OSU.

January 12th rolled around, and we had our first fitness test of the new year. Surprising myself, I did the best that I had ever done. We had a lift the following day, but I could just feel it in my heart that it was time to let go. Physically, my body was performing, but mentally, I was checked out. I was so mentally weak, I thought about ending it all. I called my coach, texted her, even emailed her multiple times in order to share the news of me leaving the program before the next practice. Nothing. I didn't hear from her until the following day right before practice started. Talk about an anxiety attack.

"Meet me in the doctor's office, 3 PM," the text had read. So, I made my way down to the doctor's office, which was a really odd place to me. She shut the door, and she knew what was coming.

With a strong, confident voice, I thanked her for having me the last three years in the program but politely told her that I was quitting. I didn't explain much, I didn't owe her any kind of reasoning. Those last three years I had received little to no support from her, so I owed her nothing. I cried, and left the room only to be surrounded by a ton of the other male and female athletes asking what was wrong.

Thanks for picking a public place for our conversation, coach.

I went to the locker room and cleaned out my stall, took some pictures of the room for memories and out the door I was. "You will never be like your sister" were the last words I heard.

Here I am now, almost an entire year later, and I have absolutely zero regrets. I miss the sport, I miss my friends and the school itself, I am no longer with my boyfriend, but there is no negativity eating away at me. I no longer have negative coaches in my life, I am healthy and happy, and yes I've lost relationships along the road but I am in recovery mode and on my journey of bettering myself. I one day hope to be off medication that treats my depression and anxiety, but one step at a time.

My favorite quote "Don't forget to fall in love with yourself first" sticks with me. I am meeting new friends at my new school, I have a fun job, and I am slowly learning to love myself each and every day. I got asked to play on a women's league field hockey team, which will be my first time picking up a stick since I quit back in January.

"Sucking it up" and sacrificing your own happiness just to comply with others is so totally not worth it.