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Finding Yourself When You Thought You Were Already Found

"Your mind can take you to amazing places."

Your mind can take you to amazing places. It can also take you to terrifying places. It can tease you, trick you, comfort you, and everything in between. 

For the past 6 years I have battled depression, anxiety, and PTSD. And during these 6 years my mind has been playing a fickle game with me. Teasing me with happiness just to have it ripped right out of my hands and left with nothing again. Because of this I slipped into a pattern. A cycle of thoughts and behaviors. I learned this cycle over the span of the years and am just now learning what it means. I'm lost. 

I thought I already knew who I was and what made me happy. I didn't think I would have to find myself and go on a a soul searching adventure like they do in the movies. But I did. And boy was I completely wrong about who I thought I was. 

I have a habit of starting at one extreme, and when I get bored with it, switching over to the complete opposite extreme skipping over the middle ground. This is part of the cycle and it's gotten me in plenty of trouble. 

I found that I haven't been able to find myself because I've been lying to myself for so long. Telling myself there was nothing wrong with what I was doing. I was using other people to gain a momentary high. A short surge of happiness so that I could prove to myself that I was actually capable of feeling happy. But I learned that none of it was real. Never along the way did I find true, organic happiness. True happiness comes from within yourself, from within myself. Happiness is inside all of us although it is up to each individual person what find out what brings out their unique happiness. 

I am still trying to find out what brings my happiness out. But what I have learned in this process of finding myself is what makes some of the darkness and negativity subside to make room for some happiness to shine through all on it's own. For me, it's art and writing. 

I found that my artwork went from bleak, apnotic paintings portraying pain and suffering to light-hearted, whimsical paintings of beaming flowers and blazing sunsets. 

I am finally getting better. Finally realizing that what I thought I needed was actually the most detrimental to my physical and mental well-being. No more using people to electrify my short circuiting brain. It was never short circuiting in the first place. I just had so much self loathing that I couple see my potential to be happy because I thought it was nonexistent. 

So if you're struggling to break your cycle and find that organic happiness, take a step back, breathe, and evaluate. Evaluate every aspect of your life and if you find something is not bringing you TRUE happiness, let it go. Cut it out. You know what they say... Good vibes only. (: 

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