Focus on the Positive and What Will Make a Difference

So after suffering with anxiety for over 8 years, I decided I would share my experiences, my daily struggles, horrendous thoughts and how I overcome them, if I overcome them, and my outlook on life.

This morning I was feeling more my normal self, I’ve motivated myself to create a business plan—well a start to one.

I was made redundant over 5 years ago and due to ill health I was unable to apply for new work, so I took the redundancy and set up my business as a professional photographer full time. I’ve done photography for around 10 years but has been my only source of employment for the last 5. I’m lucky as I have a very amazing partner who supports me both emotionally and financially so I can pursue my dream job.

Struggling with anxiety for over 8 years has been a long road, or should I say rollercoaster. Days and days of not being able to function or sleep, to days of elation and sleeping too much. I have undergone medication treatment, CBT, hypnotherapy and counseling, all of which have been useful in their own ways.

I would like to write my struggles with anxiety and depression along with bringing up a family and running my own business, its effects it has on family life and me as an individual, and how I overcome them.

I’ve been feeling very down about my business for the last week or two as it seems no one wants to pay anymore, I can’t seem to get the bookings, and everyone wants something for nothing. Before I went to bed last night I did my ritual of making lists and today I woke with a brighter feeling.

Anxiety for me always feels strange, it can rule over every sane thought in my mind, makes me overthink everything and gives the overwhelming feeling that I "can’t do this" but today I’m putting those feelings into positive thoughts. I wrote the start of my business plan, my next steps, and rather than spending endless hours scrolling Facebook in the search for work, I’m focussing my hours into productive things that will make a difference to my business.

I’ve created lists—yes I’m sure everyone with anxiety loves their lists—and really there is no shame in this, it’s a coping mechanism and if it helps then do it. I love nothing more than a little note book. My new little notebook from Next has a little positive note on the front "you got this" and at the moment I’m feeling like that.

I have written my next 7 steps to making my business work.

1. Create and finish my website, make it live
2. Optimise my website
3. Create backlinks and NAP citations
4. Claim my business on websites and directories
5. Work on google+ and my reviews
6. Start blogging

For each section I’ve written my plans, how I’m going to to it, and I guess my next step is to put deadlines and carry them out—I will keep you updated with this progress.

I realise this blog hasn’t really talked about my Generalised Anxiety Disorder only brushed on the subject but thats because I’m focussing on something more positive. Focus is key. You live with anxiety everyday, no one sees it, no one knows it unless you let it show, I learn to live with my illness, no one understands it, not even me, so I cope with using different strategies. I’m looking forward to sharing these with you.

The day started positive with ironing and cleaning done, pots sorted, dinner prepared, kids collected from school and a business plan well on its way. Then I had an hour of self-doubt.

Why does it do this to me, what started as a positive day, the one hour where I felt like utter rubbish seem to over shadow all the good and the motivation I felt. Anxiety is like a black hole, it sucks you in and doesn’t let go. In the short 1 hr (not long in the reality of a day) felt like the worse feeling ever. I felt fat, ugly, worthless, no good for nothing, and incapable of being a mum, partner, or business owner.

I let the hole swallow me up, encase me in thick tar, and throw me out feeling tired and worthless. Then comes the anger, angry I’m not successful, angry I’m not bubbly and happy, angry at myself for letting anxiety take me to the deep black hole of oneself.

So how did I cope for that lifetime of an hour? I tried not to think about it, I kept myself busy, I acknowledged I was feeling bad, I talked to my daughter, I talked to my partner, and I carried on. I never let anxiety rule me now, it may be there, I may feel horrendous but I don’t let it take control. It may sound very simple and easy written so plainly but unless you have practice, it’s really not. You can let it take control and develop into an anxiety attack, but I rarely have these now, because over time I have practiced and perfected the moving forward strategy, acknowledging it’s there and talking about it. It’s not scary anymore, just unpleasant.

Now on the other side and sat in the calm, my kids happily watching tv before bed, the house fed and watered, and the environment clean and tidy. I can reflect.

My life isn’t bad, I’m not bad. Yes I have struggles but so does everyone, I can overcome anxiety. Yes I will be living with it for the rest of my life but I will be living with it, not it living and controlling my life. I will control it and I will succeed in everything.

Today is a good day and I’m focusing on positive moves for my business, not letting my negative thoughts overcome my positive ones.

My little quote of advice for today is "focus on the positive and what will make a difference."

I’m looking forward to writing more about my daily struggles with anxiety and running a family, relationship, and business and I do hope you will join me on the journey. Until next time I leave you with a little piece of hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.