Getting Better: The Realities

For me, writing has always been a coping mechanism; to see your thoughts materialised is something of a relief. I've never been one to bottle things up - in my personal experience, the weight of withheld worries often becomes overbearing and in turn leads to the likes of emotional breakdowns. That's why I have decided to document my journey with my mental health; recently, I've been struggling more than usual, despite the fact that I am arguably "better" than I was this time a couple of years ago. Unfortunately, fluctuation is one of the realities of mental illness; the path to wellness never runs smooth. There will always be bumps in the road and times of despair during which you worry that "better" is a mythical idea that will never be truly realised. However, better does not equate to perfection, and nothing in this existence is permanent, most certainly not despair. For every down there is an up, no matter how distant that up may seem, and congratulating yourself on even the smallest of ups is so incredibly important.

I consider my journey to have properly begun three years ago; despite the fact that I'd been displaying symptoms from a young age, it was not until this point of my life that I considered that I might actually be battling with mental illness. The mental illness in question here is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, an illness so heavily stigmatised that I failed to recognise the symptoms for so long that it became debilitating. The term "OCD" is often used flippantly with regards to cleanliness and order, but the reality of the illness is highly serious. I spent a large portion of 2014 suffering with severe intrusive thoughts, but my complete lack of understanding for my (at this point unknown) condition meant that I had no knowledge of what intrusive thoughts were, let alone that I was experiencing them. For months I was far too scared to tell anybody what I was dealing with - even now, I struggle to talk about it. Of course, this eventually overwhelmed me; I became unable to eat and fearful of any social interaction, but it wasn't until I was at a suicidal point that I took action. Despite the visit to my GP being dismissive and infuriating, I was lucky to be referred to a counsellor who gave me leaflets on OCD that explained what I had been so fearful of for so long. I felt as if a colossal weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, and the greatest advice that I can provide based on this experience is to talk to people and do your research. Self diagnosis can become problematic, but to get even the smallest idea of what you could be suffering with could prevent things from getting out of hand like they did for me.

Sadly, knowing what intrusive thoughts are hasn't caused them to cease to exist. The truth is that mental health issues never "go away", they just get easier to cope with. The key to dealing with intrusive thoughts is to give up resisting, and I wish I'd realised this sooner. To fight them and constantly try to justify them only cements their presence in your mind, giving them power. To let them in and accept their existence changes the dynamic and, in time, you find that their presence seems to have changed. Inevitably, I still get moments of panic when I find myself thinking things that I really do not want to think, but it only takes a second for me to remember that they are just a product of my OCD and the panic soon departs.

Quite often, with one mental illness comes another; my OCD has brought with it both anxiety and, to a lesser degree, depression. As previously mentioned, I experience great fluctuation with my mental health, and this particularly refers to depression. I will refrain from going into great detail about this, but what I will say is that working out personal coping mechanisms is of great value. It goes without saying that different methods work for different people. Where I find that social interaction is crucial in maintaining my mental stability, others find that they cope better with their own company. It's all about knowing what works for you, and this path of discovery is a small victory. Just as guidance, some of my own coping mechanisms are keeping a diary, photography, and creating playlists.

On the topic of small victories, recently I have begun to eradicate self blame, which is something I've struggled with as a result of my mental health for quite some time. In short, I was blaming anything that went wrong for me on myself and my mental state. It was an extremely unhealthy mindset, but extremely difficult to break out of - I convinced myself that I was damaging relationships and jeopardising my own future. In reality, my belief that this was the case was holding me back more than anything else, and it took me longer than it should have that the setbacks I've faced have been a result of a variety of external factors. I wish that I could offer some solid advice on dealing with feelings of self blame, but the fact of the matter is that the progress I've made has not been a result of any direct action on my part so much as time and discussions with others.

This leads me on to my final point; one thing that I cannot stress enough is the importance of finding at least one person that you can confide in, that will support you, regardless of whether it's friends, family, a professional or someone else. Unfortunately, not everybody is going to be understanding, which is another harsh reality that I've discovered along the way, but there will always be somebody that you can reach out to. Nobody can be expected to suffer in solitude.