Getting Caught up in Social Media Madness

As a 25-year-old, I'm part of the generation that remembers the simple life. A life without life-consuming technology. A life without crippling anxiety and depression. A life without Instagram.

I remember joining Instagram back in 2012 when I received an iPad for Christmas. I was visiting family in Australia and I can pinpoint that moment to me believing that I wasn't an interesting person. From the moment that square camera icon appeared on the first of many screens, my life has felt like a performance; a performance in which I'm constantly getting bad reviews and that, no matter how much I try, my talent, my life does not get any better. But is this the reality?

When I scroll through my Instagram profile, I'm jealous of myself. I wonder what kind of incredible human being has had the life that I've had? I've traveled the world, been to festivals, bought new and expensive items, and have an incredible group of friends and a boyfriend who dotes on me, but even when writing it all down for a bunch of strangers on the internet to read, my feeling of worth and importance is at an all-time low.

Why is it that the exact same activities carried out by strangers on an app make me feel like I should be doing better, that I've achieved nothing? But that's the sad reality; I no longer appreciate my own life. I sit and cry and worry and stress about how I'm not doing what everyone else is doing. Why do I not yet own a house? Why am I not married? Why do I not have a passion?

The best part about this giant battle between my true self and my social media self is that I know the answers to the questions above: I don't own a house because I don't know where I want to live and settle down just yet. I'm not married because me and my boyfriend don't particularly believe in the sanctity of marriage and we'd much rather spend our money traveling than on a wedding. And my passion? Well that's writing, that's traveling, that's learning! I don't want to be a fashion blogger or a beauty blogger or whatever the f**k is the latest trend blogger. I don't actually care BUT THEN WHY, OH WHY DO I?!

It's a vicious cycle. One I'm trying my best to get out of. People say (mostly my parents...) "Why don't you just get rid of your accounts? Why do you torture yourself when all it takes is a simple deletion?" The answer is that I can't. It's an addiction. Like cigarettes, like alcohol, like sex. I need my fix. I have, however, started to delete the apps from my phone if things do get overwhelming. Not my accounts but the apps, which gives me a sense of light relief. A sense of accomplishment that I have taken control, which settles my anxiety and depression for a short while.

I'm genuinely hoping that I find a life which doesn't require me to be a part of that world. As I get older, I hope it will become less and less relevant to me. The fashion bloggers will grow older and the new ones with their posts about current trends will no longer appeal to me as my aging body rejects any kind of clothing other than that deemed as comfortable. Maybe once I reach that point of disinterest, maybe my life will begin.