Going out When You're Depressed

It’s not like I’m making the situation worse by being social am I? Isn’t this what I need the most right now? To be around my friends, and have a good time?

It’s a feeling I’m all too familiar with, not talking to friends for days, weeks even, at a time followed immediately by going to my favorite bar, drinking in excess and feeling unbelievably happy, in touch, and alive. I love the way I am able to come out of my shell around new people, and show love to my friends, the only problem is, I need alcohol to do it. Otherwise, I feel like inklings of how I really spent the past week will somehow slip out. Can they tell that I spent all my free time, in bed, feeling nothing but pity, and an overwhelming sense of sadness, hopelessness.

Yes! I’d love to go on a hike with you! I go on hikes all the time! So glad to have met you tonight!

It’s like the slightest hint of future plans will make me forget what I’m like when I’m not drinking, and I end up letting a lot of people down in the process. I understand making drunk plans is pretty common and most people cancel when they’re actually invited. But it stings a bit more when you’ve been in bed for two days besides working; and you now have all the time to go be with people and make new friends potentially, yet you decide, sleeping is a safe bet.

I’d say the worst part about going out when I’m depressed is the disassociated behavior I develop while I’m drinking.

"I am so happy, my life is amazing, look at all of these people talking to me, why would I ever want to sleep for hours on end when I have so many friends. And I look so beautiful tonight! I’m bound to find a man soon, the old me is gone!"

Don't get me wrong, I think it's important to let go, and just let your drunk-self emerge, it important for everyone I think. Giving yourself permission to let go of your inhibitions for the night, and stop worrying about whatever it is that keeps you up at night. Everyone needs that break from reality once in awhile. But in my experience, being depressed can make it seem better than your normal life, which is why I have developed a dependency with alcohol, especially for social gatherings.

"If I gotta go be a social butterfly, my sober-self will not do, I need to be buzzed to make an impression, of a happy well adjusted 22-year-old woman. Sober me won't have anything interesting to say"

Because like most cases of depression, I also suffer from anxiety, and being social is not something that comes naturally to me, so I turn to alcohol to help me out. This is why going out when you're depressed is such a slippery slope, you feel great for a night, but nothing after that night gives you the same feeling. This is how it is for me anyway, I can't speak for others suffering from depression, it really affects everyone differently.

I wish this post was a success story, or “how I learned to cope with depression without drinking,” but it’s not. I’m still living like this, and I know it’s unhealthy, but it’s what I’ve got for right now. Who knows maybe saying my truth might inspire me to put more effort into feeling better and healing. But right now, I’m struggling with it, and maybe other people are too.

For me, going out serves as an escape from my daily self-deprecating, and sleeping to avoid my thoughts. Because when I’m drunk I don’t feel much of anything, besides happy, bubbly even. And it’s so out of character that I chase that feeling every weekend, at my favorite bar, drinking in excess, with people who are not really my friends.