Grief

Sitting around a bed with close family quite literally watching a loved one take their last breath is indelible. Long fights with cancer are more common than ever and yet nothing can prepare you for that final breathe, no matter how long you've known it's in the cards.

But the good thing about grief is that it is universal. We will all have to deal with it at some point in our lives, and each and every single one of us will deal with it differently. There isn't just one grief road where you cry for an hour, talk about old times with loved ones, attend a funeral, cry, and reminisce and then that's it.

Actually I'd probably take a guess to say grief doesn't hit straight away with most, it didn't with me. The initial shock of witnessing my grandfather's last breath was a terrible thing to go through. I cried and wanted to be anywhere but there but I feel that was through sheer shock and not grief itself. Grief for me came in waves and still does. Days could be going swimmingly then out of nowhere either a reminder of the man himself or a reminder of the loss would come up in the strangest of forms. Hearing a particular whistle, a certain smell or a similar accent, and then for no particular length of time I'd be distracted by thoughts and memories. But how long should grief last? I ask this question because of a conversation I recently had with my partner. So far this year our lives have consisted of several funerals and a few cancer fights within our families. Yes, it has been difficult but it made me realise grief is a strange thing and still not widely accepted as a day to day occurrence.

The day my Grandad passed was a beautiful sunny day, the whole family was at the cancer care home as we knew he was on his way that day. I remember counting the seconds in between each breath not knowing if there'd be another. My Grandma was there cursing him and asking why he was doing this to her, my Mam and her sister sat on the bed singing songs to him and I just sat, counting each second in between each breath.

Once he'd passed we did the phone calls to my brothers in Australia and other family that couldn't be there. This happened just before midday and after that my initial coping strategy was beer. That afternoon I went to my old local up where my parents live and stayed there for 11 hours. Not a healthy strategy, but not a wrong way to deal with what happened. When it comes to grief, there is no wrong way to deal with it. Often people will shut out those closest to them, start working longer hours or even move houses!

I think what I really want to say is a fuck you to anyone that's of the opinion 'well that was five years ago you can't still be upset about that,' because yes you can be. That doesn't mean you've been inconsolable for five years straight, but the grief will certainly continue to come in waves for a while and for some the tide never stops turning. That doesn't make you weak, dramatic or an attention seeker (just some cruel words I have heard in regards to people that have been grieving) it is simply a part of life. On the flip side remember that one goal you had, it could have been get a business started, win a football tournament, or shed all that weight. Once you achieved that goal you have a massive sense of achievement, happiness, or joy but a few days later life as normal continues. Occasionally you will be reminded of that achievement in years to come, the hairs on the back of your neck will stand up and you'll be covered in goosebumps all because of something trivial triggering that memory. Grief is no different, and should be celebrated the same way. By celebrated I mean it shouldn't be stigmatised like it is. If you're at work and you feel a wave of grief then don't be afraid to mention it to your colleagues because the more it is spoken about the more accepted it will become. Some days I don't want to talk to anyone at work, I want to sulk and let that grief take over. I don't believe there is anything wrong with that and I hope you don't either.